Confucius says:

"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop."

What's awesome, what's a bummer and Asparagus

You know what's awesome? --
Twilight.

It became one of my top most favourite books of all time, ever last year. I got into it because there was all this talk about a series that had been out for a while that had to do with legends and vampires and all that cool stuff.
Which, you know, I love. I mean, I loved Big Wolf on Campus, Harry Potter, Vampire High, Hercules, Sinbad, Xena: Warrior Princess and all that jazz. Gosh, I miss my childhood - specifically all the programming back then.

They were all so friggin GOLDEN.

So yeah, I'm loving how I can see this book that I have enjoyed and grown to really appreciate and just seriously LOVE - become a movie :)

Do you ever imagine your favourite books as movies? I do - all the time. I often wonder why there haven't been that many film adaptations of the books I love ... I should get on that. Somehow. LOL. Mind you, there's going to be the Cecelia Ahern novels coming out in theatre I think ... and P.S. I Love You came out. (But I didn't like Hilary Swank in it :S)

You know what's a bummer? --
The fact that my school's on strike and we students have no say *hmpf*

I mean, for real now, I'm getting a little antsy about how this whole situation is going to turn out. I'm bored with my life. I have no job (although, I am looking ...) and I have no reason to even want to take an interest in my academics now!
I've become so lazy!! Well ... mind you, the past two weeks went by extremely fast and I was pretty occupied. Perhaps the only reason for my going insane now is because this is the first week where I've actually felt the effects of the strike haha.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the time away from Bitchstock. But other than that, BOO.

Strike week 1 we had the Drop Fees rally and we had a good weekend of pure chilling.
Strike week 2 it was Manda's 20th birthday so we collabortaed, decorated and celebrated.

Now we're all just super bummed about the lack of activity/holidays/celebrations I guess - well, that's more just me :S
The upside to all this is that I've de-stressed considerably and am really relaxed as a result. I'm generally just chilling out ... wondering what I should do next haha.
Then there's also the upside of this strike giving me an awesome opportunity to visit my god-daughter, Jamie, a lot more :) ... all smiles there! I won't complain and bitch about that.
What I will bitch and complain about is the fact that our semester is totally going to be screwed up. That we're going to either have to cut the sem OR just be rushed for time in completing everything we need?
Oh, another downside to all of this (perhaps the most upsetting of all!) is that I haven't seen Asparagus in like a friggin MONTH.

__ SIDE NOTE: Did you know that Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson got paid $2 million for their roles in Twilight?
I'm really hoping that their success doesn't get to their heads - they're so cool just the way they are. Their awkwardness and lack of interviewee experience always just reminds me how human they are. GAH, I'd hate for them to be all Hollywood now!!

Asparagus: -- WHO IS HE?
That's Mark's code name. Mark V.

He's basically this really amazing, smart, down to earth and gorgeous guy that I met in my Natural Science class.
God Bless my GenEds.

Anyways I don't know if I've ever breathed a word of this story to anyone ... but it's an amazing story. I know I love it.
So there we were: Manad, Joanna (friend from York) and I sitting in the back of our huge History of Physics class attempting to grasp the concepts of whatever it is being taught ...
We don't really do a very good job at that, mind you, I've been trying very, very hard.

Out Prof finishes explaining to us that we have our group assignments coming up very soon. These group assignments were designed to give us a chance at getting to know our other classmates, at giving the Prof something to mark in terms of assignments and, ultimately, give us a headache. What she did was divvy up the class into groups of 4 or 5 people, according to SURNAME.

This meant that the three muskateers were getting split up and had to venture into truly unknown territory, in all respects. I mean, for one, we didn't know anyone else in the class aside from one another. Secondly, we had NO idea what was going on in lectures. I mean, this was a mandatory class - science is just not my forte, none of ours! We had done absolutely fantastic jobs at avoiding the sciences when we could.
Thirdly, there was now the possiblity that our lack of paying attention in class would be called on.
This assignment blew balls.

We usually sit in the back of this class. Because, silly us, we thought we could pay attention anywhere. Not so much the case. Everyone around us was loud and annoying so we decided one day to sit closer to the front of the class where
During the two hour lecture on Monday (this class is Monday: 2 hours, Wednesday: 1 hour) we have a ten minute break at the one hour mark. Manda and I were just sitting chatting about something random, probably TV and Jo was talking to someone on the phone with someone.

So, tell me how, in MID-conversation, I see him from the corner of my eye.
HIM. The most beautiful guy I think I had ever laid my eyes on before. And the thing you have to understand about him is that there's really nothing special about him aesthetically. He's kind of the average Joe ... just ... not.
He was wearing a striped, button down shirt. And had one helluva goatee going on. It just looked like two huge side-burns and then like ... a chin strap LOL.

But I noticed him. I literally stoped talking, grabbed Manda's arm and took a sharp intake of breath. Locked my eyes on him as he walked back to his seat from wherever it was that he went - I'm thinking the bathroom. It was weird because he had half-turned at that moment and I think that he saw me? (This is me overthinking myself , but I swear he noticed cuz I was such a spaz.)

The class was loud. The class was busy. The class was alive with movement. And in that very moment, there was no way I could tear my gaze away from him. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life - I think ... don't quote me, but I think that it was love at first sight.
No Lie.

I often look back to that memory and figure that the only thing missing from that memory is that I didn't see everything in slow motion. Now that would have been the cherry on the top.
Anyways. So I basically my entire mannerism of feigned maturity transformed into that of a 12 year old. Maybe a 10 year old. But I'm thinking I acted more like a Teeny Bopper or something ...
Yeah, I literally was a shrieking idiot and hyperventilating and gawking. It was tres embarrassing - I'm glad Manda was the only one who saw LOL :$

After discussing my behaviour with the two (cuz, obviously my spasm sparked an interest in Jo and we then told her the story of my moment of Love at First Sight) we decided that he had always been in the class and that we had just never seen him becuase we always sat in the back.
During this time (it was September) I was in my One Tree Hill obsession phase, and so, Manda cleverly suggested that if we were living out lives as the characters on One Tree Hill, this dreamboy of mine would probably end up being in my group for the group assignment. We laughed it off, cuz it was absurd and the possibilites of that was like 1 in 200.

That night Jo and I were talking and stressing over our group assignments. Our Prof suggested that we message everyone in our goups (she already set up our groups, boo) so that we could get organized and meet everyone before the next lecture.
I was bummed out about that still, so no, I didn't want to message any of the 3 other people in my group. Jo asked me if there were any guys in my group and I told her there was one. His name was Mark V.
She asked me if he was cute and I said, "I dunno, how would I know that?"
She says, "Why don't you Facebook them you stupid, that's what I did. I already messaged the people in my group."
Me: "Keener"
Her: "Shut up. But go look!"

So I go on Facebook and enter the guys name, because I'm a girl and that's what I take interest in OKAY.

...
...
...

I searched his name. I came to this picture of a guy standing with his back to a wall, facing sideways. The link to his name is blue indicating that I can view his profile. His profile is open. I look at the first picture and I see the familiar side-burns.
"OMG.
OMG.
Oh My GOD.
This can't be ..."
I then looked at more of his profile pictures ...

Now, think back to when you were a little kid and your most-favouritest character on your most-favouritest TV show made an appearance at a mall or something and you had the chance to meet them. Pretend you're 5 and have no sense of shame, have no self-restraint. Imagine the scream, no, the SHRIEK of pure JOY that would have come out from your lungs, pass the strong vocal chords and out your mouth.
Now instead of you as a 5 year old, imagine it's me. As a 19 year old.

Yupp.

Needless to say I was in utter shock and, being the female-fantasizer-who-believes-in-fairy-tales that I am, I called Manda in a frenzy to tell her the good news. No answer. So I dial Joanna and a loud, long, panicked, surge of verbal spasms ensued.

I rock. I pwned all those excited 5 year olds. Better yet, all those Jonas Brothers chasing Teenage girls.

So my dreamboy/love at first sight man ended up being in my group, against the odds. And I have been a total and complete human spaz around him. I have brain cramps and can't talk becuase I forget how to be normal. I get flustered.
You should have seen the first day of me talking to him; it was really interesting.

But, you should be happy to know that I've improved my self-composure since then. We have had good conversations and he asked me once to study with him. We did that and spent a good amount of time cramming and prepping for our first test. he's really smart too. Sigh. He's nice. Sigh. He's Filipino. Extra Sigh. He's going to be 23. Sad Sigh, cuz like, why would he go for little me lol. But he's a good guy and we've become friendly-ish. We all sit together now, since he was a loner in the class. Jo started talking to him a lot since she was the one I relied on to fill in the gaps whenever my breathing went on a water break. I was making good progress and just starting to enjoy his company in a more relaxed manner, and then this bloody STRIKE.

Bahh!!!!

Anyways, that's not nearly as lengthy as I would have liked, but it'l do for now!
(Ann, since I know you're reading this ... I hope you enjoyed that. LOLS. I miss you!)

Bonjour!

This is the much needed update that was, umm ... much needed.

That I was way too lazy to write/too busy. (But mostly too lazy.)

Second year has proven to be nothing of a breeze. And boring too. I mean, I go to class, come home, commence the neverending readings we have to do, cry, read, and then go to bed.

Next day, repeat.

Other than Tuesdays and Fridays of course.

'

Oh and weekends since I FINALLY QUIT TIM HORTONS.

I KNOW!

About freakin' time.

So I had the prefect amount of free time to do all my readings and simultaneously breathe.

But then my school decides to start being special and go on strike.

And I'm sitting here thinking, "Nice, I have some more time to get myself all caught up" (because even though I tried really hard to be a good girl and do my readings and assignments; I could never understand them the first time through ...) I find out that the two parties invovled are being stupid and refusing to compromise on anything. That this dumb strike may last until JANUARY?

Excuuuse you CUPE (union). I really don't want them to scrap the semester because of this.
I don't want to go into my summer becuase of this! Well, actually, I really don't care about the latter. It's more the semester itself that I'm worried about.

Gosh dang it.

Oh and I have a massively huge bitch of a Prof this year. Fantastic. She has it in for everyone and I hate her. As in strong feelings of hate. Oh, and I failed to mention that she's one of the Profs I have for my major right. Social Work.

She's an ex-litigator. She's apparently in school at the moment actually, going for her PhD? She has 5 degrees. I hate her. GUH. It's just her presence. Completely contrasting to this class that she teaches; to her (now) line of work. She's still stuck in her ligitator days haha. She comes strutting into class in her Armani (I know this becuase she TOLD us) sunglasses, power suit and crocadile skin shows. I'm sure they're orthodic but like pfft. There was always somethign about her that really got to me. It made me worried when she walked into class on the first day and I realized that she was the Prof.

One of our first major papers was a "critical deconstruction" of our "self". So, essentially it was a self-reflective paper. We had to submit the rough of this on the Thanksgiving long weekend. I mean, I get it - it was a good idea because it was a way to get our raw ideas of the paper to her and see if we were heading in the wrong/right direction. Basically everyone was headed in the wrong direction with their self-reflections. Ironic much?

I think that she was especially brutal on me though, and I'm not just saying this to be self-deprecating or anything. I'm saying this becuase her comments on my rough (!!!) draft were so dry lol. I mean, I was talking about myself and my experiences of feeling oppressed in some way and then refer to her in-class lectures about the different classes: "upper, middle and lower class" and she tells me that I should "not ascribe to [her] that which she did not say ... it drives [her] crazy and is indicative of poor scholarship ..."

So basically I wanted to cry :'( That's harsh coming from a SOWK Prof. I actually have the head of the faculty as one of my Profs (Monday evenings) and he's amazingly kind!)

She goes on further to say that I wasn't citing properly, "nor does [she] assume produce a proper biblioography." So she was kind enough to "highly suggest" that I go out and buy myself an APA guide. (For fucks sake it was our rough copy and we didn't even hand in a biblio for this!)

Anyways that's just the jist of her, not even a full-throttle description - I promise you.
I've actually had a couple of nightmares in which I have cried because of her. In one she called me up on Chrsitmas Eve (she's Jewish and I guess that detail played out in my dream? loll) and todl me that she thinks I should change my major. I woke up in tears. -_-''

! Oh my, speakinf of which, did you know that she actually tried to DISCOURAGE people from being in the program. WTF!? We're in second year and we're not a bad group of students, I really don't think that she should be telling us this stuff. It's awful!

Okay this is it for now. So, at least the strike priovided a much needed break from Prof. Bitchstock (stock is the last part of her name hahah). Be back laturrrr with MORE INTERESTING things. Ie. hot guy in my Nats class whom I want to have babies with. SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL.

" "

In need of a MAD update.

The truth is that

Life is hard.

Escape

Palaver

(8) Bobby McFerrin: Don`t Worry, Be Happy

Ahaha. Word of the day: Palaver - To talk idly.

Longg overdue for an update, as An has also kindly reminded me :) Thank you loves. I really need to de-funk myself of all this pent up blabber anyways.

I signed up for classes - 3 our of the 4 that I need to take anyways. York kind of screwed me and a couple of other friends over actually but that's going to be handled I think. No worries ... kind of hehe.

Basically I started my summer way back when in April, yet I feel like I'm only starting on the summer festivites now. I have no idea why; maybe it's because for the majority of my life, summery things only took place in July and August. Maybe it's because the summery things that I've always been doing all my life can only happen in July and August - sleeping over at my cousin's place is kind of pointless if my cousin's are still in school right.
Maybe it's because I over-worked in April and May.

Yeah, I think it's the latter.

But it's definitely starting to feel like summer. I've been in such a good mood for the past couple of weeks - it's kind of been weirding me out. Only when I notice that is. Even mahal's noticed.

Every weight that I'd been carrying just a few short weeks ago - just a short month ago, has been lifted. Don't know how, why, and when but there it is. I'm happier and I really, truly hope it lasts! :)

So, what have I been up to in the past couple of weeks anyways? Well, nothing much really. I've just been spending a lot of time doing the things I love to do. I've been working a fairly decent mount. Even though I've been wanting to get a better job for a while now, I really don't see that being the smartest idea for me because of all that's going to be happening this month and potentially next month.

See, this month [JULY!] there's the wedding! Ateh Ging and Kuya Lito are finally getting hitched and I haven't been more stoked for something in a long, long time. Gonna get all glammed up and slimmed down. Ha. Ateh has given me the honour of being her Maid of honour and although nothing much has been asked of me thus far, I'm really excited to get in there get my hands dirty with wedding stuff *teeheeeee*.

There's also my friend Jomama's 19th Birthday jam on the 18th and I'm excited for that. I haven't had a night out in Toronto (clubbing ch'YAY) since the fiasco in ... well, since the fiasco.
So there's that. But the wedding is going to be keeping the entire family hella busy for a while and so I know I don't want to be working full, full, time. In fact, I booked off a week so that's going to be long vacation! :)

Hmm what else is new? The guy from work, dubbed K9 by mahal and I, left for Pinas and yeah he'll be gone for a while. No one to have interestingly weird conversations with (aside from Mahal) anymore. *Sigh*

So new obsessions? Of course, you know who I am don't you?
inBooks:
Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer

inMusic:
My new headphones ... lol - my summer listens are totally more fun through my headphones. Nice big Sony ones.
Katy Perry - totally rockin'. "I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick ..."
I'm not gonna say that it's becuase I relate to the lyrics.

inTv:
One Tree Hill. S
ee, we took our annual trip to Smo's cottage and Nath brought her sister's Complete First Season of One Tree Hill.
It. Was. Amazing.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why I wasn't aware of this amazing TV show prior to last Tuesday is beyond me, but this only means that I have that much more catching up to do. It's really going to be a fast moving summer. You know, the first full day we had at the cottage, all three of us were randomly exhausted and we slept practically all day, taking in One Tree Hill in between eating and napping. Lol, it's really quite funny.

inFriends:
I randomly started missing a couple people that I used to be friends with and it kind of took a toll on my brain activity for a while.

So there's all that stuff. I wonder what else is going on in my life that I can even remember ... I feel like there's not much but at the same time there's so much. Random stuff no doubt - but still Me stuff haha.

Oh An, what kind of stories would you enjoy right now? I don't know if I really have anything but I'm trying ... hmmm.

Happy [belated] Canada to all of my darlings (youss), hope it was super fun and that everyone watched fireworks and went somewhere. I remember previous Canada days of mine - the ones before I was 15 where my parent's and I would stay home and I would watch TV specials. Not fun, in fact i was Yuck lol.

Oh!!! - inYoutube: I am in love with this guy, Christian (saw him in person a few months back) who's this uhm ... alternative Rock ... musician and just super-amazing.
Borderline obsessive - it's my normal state of mind, I like to think.

Anywhoozles, it's 2.02AM and I feel like I can't think of anymore stuff but when I do, you know you'll hear about it bwaha.

QOTD: I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West

Chimo.

GEMINI
It's hard to stay on track today for every thought that arises in your mind can turn into a string of fantasies that take you on a pleasant journey. You may be able to get quite a bit of traveling logged in your day dreams, but the real work now is back here on Earth. Enjoy a diversion or two, but don't let an obsession with your inner world interfere with your day.

By Rick Levine

Tuesday, June 24, 2008






Wow, no way ...

^D8

I was just taking browsing through people's blogs (An, you did the picture thingy! YAY - I think I should just say that I'm disappointed in myself for not being smart and categorizing bubbletea as a DRINK lol) and I found that a lot of people are smart.

I, on the other hand - not so much on that level BUT it's okay. I'd rather ramble anyway! Yay me.

So in the past week I have basically done nothing (what else is new) but I've gone on a path of self-discovery (nothing too much) and watched a lot of movies on the internet. I know that a career in movie producing or promotion is not in the cards for me. I've also made an unofficial Official List of Songs to be recorded by An and I. It's been long overdue too, which is hilarious.

Tomorrow (ie, today at 10AM) I've got my enrollment appointment for fall classes. It's a really weird system this year (apparently - although, I totally agree) and I, along with two friends, have been cordially screwed over by York U. Yep.
See, there's the time where we all have to pick courses for school right. Well, if it had been up to us, we would have picked our courses a lonnnnng time ago, but nooooo every student had an assigned date and time to sign up for courses. We all had today, June 23 but we all have different times. Mine is at 10AM, Manda's is at 3 and Joanna's is at 2. Since the sign up for classes began about a month ago, most classes are already filled up. That would have been fine if it didn't end up screwing us over. Which, it did. We're all in the same program and have two mandatory second year classes - all of which are pretty much filled up, leaving only one time for each class. Oh, did I mention that the two mandatory classes we have to take are happening at the exact same time on the exact same day? Yeah, well that's pretty much where we are with that. Not to mention the GenEds that we wanted to take are filled up and we're left with The Biology of Sex or something else that would make me feel uncomfortable doing homework for.
Acually, I think that would be the only class that I'd feel uncomfortable doing homework for.

I recently went to Value Village and bought like 10 books.

Gip stopped by at work the other day. He was lookin' very spiff - the way I think he always looks now - so dressed for success. Leading by example? Yeah, and I'm too lazy to follow. Haha - except, my mother wouldn't be laughing.
Good deals on cellphone plans. I think my friends and I will be calling him :)

I realize that Kerwin is going to be gone all summer - just when my summer was starting to feel like summer.

There is a madwoman screaming outside right now - I am slightly frightened.
She just screamed, "Billy?! Is that Billy? Where are you Billy? Listen I gotta make money"
OMG, I know what she is ...

Okay I think that that's a sign I should be getting myself to bed, no? I mean, I've surpassed my self-allotted time for random rambling anywayyy.

Plus, I'm scared.

I Like Night eh?

I think I'm nocturnal or at least, semi-nocturnal.

I say this 'cuz I feel like I'm only fully functional at night. Actually, I'm just more functional after5 in the afternoon. LOL, I have no idea why though. I was born at 11:45 PM - maybe that has something to do with it? Who knows.
Speaking of which, I've actually always wondered about things like that. Like you know, whether or not the time day, time and year you were born can actually determine things about you - personality traits, your own character, or even where your future! *Gasp*
For as long as I can remember, I've always been interested in things like my horoscope and whether or not colour can determine things about me that I've never known before. Aha.
Come to think of it, I know it does. I mean, not personally, but I think I've taken enough tests! (aha, has anyone taken Tickle tests? They're so fun :D)

Anyways, basically, the majority of "work" that I get done is done during the night. Ranging from 11PM to 3AM. It's weird but it's when I have the most things to say and the most things running through my head. It may me being like ... what's that word?

...

...

INSOMNIA! (Not gonna lie, totally had to google that)


Right, so a mild insomnia type thing?

Okay so I'm about to have an ADD moment. When I googled "Can't Sleep", I got to this page:

Practice "Good Sleep Hygiene." Here are some tips for you to try:

1. No reading or watching TV in bed. These are waking activities. If your insomnia is chronic, it is not a good thing to do, says Dr. Alex Clerk, head of Stanford Sleep Disorder Clinic in Palo Alto.
2. Go to bed when you're sleepy-tired, not when it's time to go to bed by habit.
3. Wind down during the second half of the evening before bedtime. 90 minutes before bed, don't get involved in any kind of anxiety provoking activities or thoughts.
4. Do some breathing exercises or try to relax major muscle groups, starting with the toes and ending with your forehead.
5. Your bed is for sleeping, if you can't sleep after 15-20 minutes, get up and do something relaxing.
6. Have your room cool rather than warm.
7. Don't count sheep, counting is stimulating.
8. Exercise in the afternoon or early evening, but no later than 3 hours before bedtime.
9. Don't over-eat, and eat 2-3 hours before bedtime.
10. Don't nap during the day.
11. If you awake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep within 30 minutes, get up and do something else.
12. Have No coffee, alcohol or cigarettes two to three hours before bedtime.
13. If you have disturbing dreams or nightmares add an ending that you want.
14. Schedule a half-hour writing about your concerns and hopes in a journal every night to free up your sleep from processing your dilemmas as much.
15. Listen to calming music or a self-hypnosis tape for sleep.

Cool beans. That was fun.

Anyways, I dunno ... I just like the night time. There's something so peaceful and calming about it. I would say that about the morning, but since I always end up falling asleep late, I miss that part of the day LOL.
I find actually, that there are days when I'm fully functional after having only 4 hours of sleep. I like to think that it's because sleeping for 4 hours is just a power nap instead of sleep-deprivation. It's not healthy but I did it three times in the past week alone aha, yowza.

Oh wait! Wow,
"14. Schedule a half-hour writing about your concerns and hopes in a journal every night to free up your sleep from processing your dilemmas as much."
That's amazing, I totally do this! Hopes, dreams, concerns, random thoughts. I've recently gotten really lazy though, not going to lie. Oh dang, but I drink coffee a lot, sometimes an hour before I go to bed. I don't believe that it keeps me awake anymore though ...

"7. Don't count sheep, counting is stimulating."
Aha! So true, I've tried this before and I got to like 300 and I felt more awake. You know what's a sure fire way to make yourself sleepy? Record your dullest Prof during a lecture and then play it before you go to bed. I tried doing this once - recording a prof. I did it because I was on my friends laptop during that class and knew I wouldn't listen. When I got home I was all set to listen and take down notes.

I fell asleep and woke up three hours later with a pen in my hand.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

~Author Unknown

This is me

The concept
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into google.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker (flickr) to create a mosaic of the picture answers.
For people who are as stupid as me, and can't work this out, the link is here: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favourite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favourite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your username?

-_-''

slkjfopek[apflpeojpakpkjf;lagjpoe joijgorijg'poijgrowijgoijan,;q[pokleimc,n,mv;kb'PQ2OIOIJNlkjldfkpoew

That is what I think about all the couples I saw at PND today at Nathan Philips Square.

jpfokepqdkioejfpjpiejiojeofjeofijoasjelmoim.

How can one be in the midst of like a gazillion hotties, yet, know deep inside that not one can even be a prospect?

Oh, I'm a total pro.

Alright, so, TOTALLY not the post I wanted to start my updates with, but whatever!
There has been muchoooo things to talk about.
And I'm burstinggggggggggggggggg.

TWILIGHT:
Holy frreakin' crap. GAH.
this is the best thing to happen to me since Harry Potter. I mean I'm totally spitting words in my brain right now and can't coherently convey to you what I mean when I say that this series by Stephanie Meyer is amazing and that I'm obsessed, as in, OBSESSED with the series.
Obsessed.
There are currently three books in print - Twilight (eeee!), New Moon (eeeeeee!!) and Eclipse (gahhhhh! I havne't read this one yet!). The fourth one is coming out August 2 and the MOVIE, Twilight, is coming out in December. Midnight Showing? Hella YES.
Honestly, the hype surrounding this series is insane. A lot of the Harry Potter readers got into it and I'm only sorry that I hadn't heard about it 'til a few weeks ago. It's okay guys, I think it's safe to say I caught on really well. I mean, Two books in a wee and a half - and they're not short books okay.
So yeah, theres that.

So You Think You Can Dance:
Uhm Katee and Joshua.
WOW.
Their routine tonight was amazing and I'm not just being biased because iLove the song No Air - the routine made me want to cry - because there was so much conviction and emotion between the pair of them. But I didn't cry - I didnt want to miss a second of the dance durrr!

Life:
Haha, funny I should mention it.

For the past month and a bit, I had been complaining about the certain abuse I personally felt that I was facing by my manager. She scheduled me like a donkey at work - working 6 consecutive days more often than I should have and feeling like I was caught in the middle of petty disputes going on between my co-workers and the boss.

But then I look at the schedule for next week and I see that I'm only working on the weekend.
My hours have been CUT pretty much DRAMATICALLY.

I guess you gots to be careful what you wish for but hey now, that's ridonkulous. Ridonk.
What do I do now? I'm going to have like no money! Oh boy, I do need to talk to her straight away.

Singleness is still the tune I'm singing. But it's okay. I'm pretty content.
Although I'm still hung up on the worry that I shoudl'nt be hung up on, it's okay. I know its normal ... right.

I actually think that for a week or so I tricked myself and made myself believe that I liked one of my co-workers.

Well, I don't. On the one hand there are times when we have really good conversations. Things flow and it all fits you know. Topics of conversation never drag on into uncomfortable and awkward silences and things are good. We laugh, we joke, we chill. But then there are other times where we don't acknowledge each other at all. It's just a "Sup" and then a "Later" as I leave. Kind of funny lol. Whatever, I'll laugh.

All this romance and relationship stuff is just too alien for me to even begin to try to establish for myself. I'm leaving it up to someone now lol, I am just not capable enough.

An's leaving on Sunday and I'm majorly bummed. Of all the time that I'm not scheduled for a week - An's leaving THIS Sunday. I'm thinking that Friday dinner will be the farewell-for-now dinner and that it will be oh so yummy.

To Perform Again:
I agreed to help out an old friend of mine, Andrew, out with his Repertoire assignment. He and his parter Megan were to perform at a grade school, video tape it, and hand it in by the end of the day.

We ended up at a school called North Kipling - pretty far and alien to me but it's okay, we managed the mission.

We performed songs from High School Musical 1 and 2, and I had to do this a capella Hannah Montana song - which I wanted to commit suicide during.

It was nerve wracking performing again, even though it was only for kindergarten - grade 2 and one grade 6 class.

Their reaction though got better as the time trudged on by. Ugh, I'm waiting on the footage, I can't even think about yesterday's performance anymore without being thrown into bouts of helplessness.

Oh Andrew. Honestly, my relationship (using the term lightly here) is really strange. There is still no real closure, well for me at least.

I wish that I could trust him, because then - there wouldn't be a question and I would choose to go for another try. But I don't trust him.

TTFN:
That's all for now, I'm WIPED.

Well, I'll be!

My blogging has been less than minimal these past couple of weeks.

I'm about to burst at the seams with random stories to talk about.

Soon, for, I must do my laundry pronto!

So for now, Hiiiiiiiiiii. I'm alive and well =)

QOTD

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
Truman Capote

US author (1924 - 1984)

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."
Alan Dean Foster

"To the Vanishing Point"

Failure to Launch: Dream Recall

I wanted to get my dream(s) up on here as soon as I could.
But I think I've failed -- I can't remember my dream anymore!

Okay there were a whole bunch of people in them this time.

...

B-but I can't remember :'(!

I had some sort of disease? And it wasn't life threatening or anything but at the time (in my dream) all the symptoms made sense; all the symptoms - I had.
We went to N's restaurant that she worked at and then I got lost and ate outside. Then I came back in.
Then what else happened ...

Okay this is hopeless, I can't remember this lol. What I do remember is that in my dream, I woke up and decided to blog about it. I wrote out the dream in such prcise accuracy. Dang. I didn't realize I was dreaming when I blogged!

This is annoying lol.

yellow fever, apparently

I have what I've decided to call: Shia Fever. Not YELLOW Fever.
I loved him as Louis in Even Stevens and to this day love him.
Loved him as Stanley Yelnats in Holes, loved him as Sam in Transformers, loved him as Henry aka Mud in Indiana Jones.
Yup.
His parents are hippies - I don't know why I know that, but it's such a hot factor for some odd reason.

Again, my taste: the "undiscovered" good look; someone who's like ... shaggy lookin' but can pull it of deliciously.


So hot it hurts.

Hurts so bad.

PAINN.

Today I ran into Nam and Gip at St. George station? (I think?) I don't think they saw me but I saw them lol and smacked Nam on the side of his arm. Gip turns around all decked out in his work "uniform" - black black black (clothes!).
They were on their way to go pants shopping and persuaded me to come along. I don't know how - I didn't really get anything out of it LOL (kidding!) (no, not really...).

I bring this up -not- randomly. It has relevance! And the relevance is because at one point during our little shopping trip I told Gip that one of the guys on one of the Ads in the store was hot.
Then either Nam or Gip says, "Yellow Fever".
To be honest, I always thought that "Yellow Fever" referred to white (or other non-asians) and their liking towards us asians.
I didn't know it could be used as a way to describe how asian girls all like white guys?!

- Which isn't true all the time!

I've has the preference for white guys cuz it's all I've ever really known! I went to school (from a very young age might I add) with the majority of the guys being white. Asian guys were scarce and if they happened to be there, they weren't ... uhm .... Shia. lol, okay no one is Shia, that's unfair.

They were just bad. Bad.

Anyways, basically I'm putting it out there that I like asians! It's true. I'm guilty of eyeing groups of filipino's - where of course, I'm forced to overt my eyes because their tough girlfriends are always around.

Can't even gawk in peace anymore. Geez.

Shia fever: I have it. He's hilarious, an amazing actor - the next big actor for SURE (he's already proving that though, I don't need to help him convince anyone), and makes me seriously melt in place.

A Quickie Before Bedtime

My birthday -- 19 here I am :)
I smile upon you, oh 1 and 9. For with you numbers, I am now able to buy booze legally and in turn suffer the legal consequences.

2:12AM - I think that I should get to bed now, so back to this when I wake up!

Quote:

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius."

Comte de Buffon

I wonder if he'll call this year.
I wonder if I'll have something to be excited about?
I wonder.

G1 - gee, about time.

PASSED.
(EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!)


Tests are always intense. Even if it's something as simple as the G1 test. A written "exam" with two parts: Road Signs and Road Rules.
You know what's hilarious though? Some of the questions you find on tests. Sometimes I think that these ridiculous questions are designed to relieve tension in the testee. LOL.

Par example:
"When an oncoming car's headlights are shining too bright, what do you do?
A) Turn on your high beam lights as well
B) Look slightly to the left
C) Look directly into the light
D) Open and close your eyes rapidly until the car has passed"

HAHAHA. (This wasn't a real question on my test, it was a question I had on this free online practice test thingy ma-bobber).

So, I was oddly nervous for the test, even though I knew I shouldn't have been. My dad has never seen me pre-exam/pre-test before. So, he's never - as in ever - seen me nervous before. He probably thinks I'm like, cool as a cucumber under pressure or something. HA daddy, HA I say.
He kept thinking I was acting strange and everything. Argh. Anyways, the testing place that we went to was somewhere in the Downsview Station area. (I know this because we passed the station). The place is kind of like .. weird. I've been there before but I have no idea when, why and how.
Testing room was funny though - honestly, some people are just one in a million.
You know how a general rule in any test/exam situation is that you turn off your cell phone OR you just ignore it whilst DOING the test? One man's phone rings real loud and the people at the front are like, "Sir please turn off your cellphone."
A few minutes later, some Filipino guy's phone rings and ... he answers it. He's fully talking on his phone telling his pal that he's in a test (he even manages to chuckle at something his pal says) lol, andd everyone's looking at him (including me) with this odd expression on their faces, as if saying "DUDE?!! Are you SERIOUS?" lol.

I enjoyed it.
Plus, I felt so accomplished after taking the test. Why did it take me 3 years to finally decide on writing the test exactly? I could have been friggin driving by now.
Oh me.

AH! It's the 23rd. B-day! @&%#^!! How did this happen so fast, I seriously didn't see this coming.

QOTD:

"Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there."

- Mickey Friedman

*forgot**

Random quote of the day/night/early morning:

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. "
Elbert HubbardUS author (1856 - 1915)

I like it.

Because it's true.

Oh, so, very, true.

life. life. life.

I'mmmmmm alive and well.
woot.

Annnd, I think I'm getting my G1 tomorrow (aka today), but I'm not 100% sure. Dad said he would take me on Monday but then last minute tells me that he doesn't have time then so he may take me tomorrow. I'm not gonna hold my breath - I mean: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, y'know. He may have forgotten or changed his mind again last minute. Lol, it's all good.

Anyyyyyyyyways, I'm all fine and welll because of the following wonderful men in my life:

Rupert Grint
I love you, marry me? Thanks for keeping my childhood with me all these years, I still remember falling in love with you when I was 11.

James McAvoy
You've officially sucked me in with your Scottish vaccuum of charm - totally just quoted that btw. Do me a favour and stop being so amazing, it's really a pain to watch movies with you in them now

Charlie Cox
Becuase of you, I ended up watching Stardust three times. In one night.
Three times ... uhm, consecutively.

Ben Barnes
The newest member to the Prevent-[me]-From Sleeping club is Benny Boy here. Why are you so beautiful Ben, why.

Birthday soon and it's funny because it hasn't really hit me yet. Like, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been a year since I've a)had my last birthday b)been in high school (okay, so, it's been roughly a year since then). I'm still not sure if I've grown as a person and no, I dont' mean physically. I know that I've learned a whole cornucopia of personal lessons (EVEN STEVENS!) - ones that are now embedded deep within myself. I know that I've learned a whole lot about my friends; that is, I know who they are now.

Wow, 19. I've been alive for 19 years. And counting (by the will of God). I do feel blessed. I do.

I know that my blogs are all complaints and such - I must really sound ungrateful eh? But it's not all that you know. Those are just the most dominant thoughts when I blog LOL. It's not a crime to feel uncertain and to feel scared. Fear's no crime. It's not a sin to be uneasy, unsure and scared of what's to come. A friend of mine was dead on when he said that you just can't lose faith or hope. Sure, be a little scared - but don't lose hope. Don't lose your faith.

I don't ... I just misplace it sometimes! Haha.

But yeah. When I look back on this year it's like, wow, in such a short time, so much has changed. It's like, everything bad that could have happened, happened. Well, not everything - but definitely a whole lot of things. And it's not only in my little, small realm of a life - so much has changed and happened in the world. Deaths, Disasters, Destruction. Some say the world is coming to an end. Some say that it was because this year was a leap year. Who knows, all I know is that this year had loads of drama.

Loads more to say but it's 2:18 so I'mma hit the hayyyy.

ZzZzZzzzZzzzZz

a quickie.

Here's an update for ya. What is with me and not being able to say no to my manager at work?
So far I've worked, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and I will be working Tomorrow, Wednesday AND Thursday. For those of you who aren't understanding: That's a flipping 7 day week.

GAH.

Too bad for nita, I'm booking off that thursday cuz I have to go to my little sis's Spring Concert - whoop-de-doo.
lol.

Anywayys, what have I even been up to? My days have kinda become meshed together in my head where I can't remember what kinds of things I've even done. Sometimes I forget things like if I even went to work that day or something. Should I be concerened about that - that's my question.

On Saturday after work N and J(S) picked me up from work and we watched Narnia 2: Prince Caspian.

You guessed it, I fell in love. All over again with Peter and Edmund (Edmund's growing up quite nicely), but also Caspian, aka, Ben Barns (I think -- ouuu, totally gotta obsess over him when I have the time ...). Anyways, watching movies just make me really depressed (not really) cuz I wish I could be in movies. I mean, how hard could it really be ... lol. Seriously.
Bah, okay, enough about that.

Hmmm ... what else did I do? Spent time with the familia again, like I always do. I realize I'm always with the familia - and I don't spend as much time with my friends as I'd like to. I think part of it is cuz I see my cousins and stuff so spontaneously most of the time. Like, we'll go there for dinner at 9:30PM - right after I finish my shift or something. I don't know if I could do that to my friends. That would make me feel uncomfortable lol; like, I'm invading their chill time at home or something. Like I'm a disturbance of the peace or something.

Sis was sick this weekend, she developed flu-like symptoms around Friday and has had the sniffles and headaches. Haha, I said flu-like symptoms, dont' know why, but that's funny.

Uhm ... what else? Got a random call from AJ today. Don't really know that kid but he's nice and I remember telling him we'd chill once I'm done school. I actually said that to another guy too ...
Why'd I do that ... I don't even know them. LOL.

Omga - you know when guys say that? Like they'll ask a girl to go out (someone they just met) and the girl will say, "Uhm, I don't know, I dont' really know you ..." The guy will respond with, "Well, that's the point. Let's get to know each other *;)*"
Yeah - CREEPS.

Mind you, that's only creepy in real-life. In movies and stuff I know I'd be like, "Awwwwwww. I wish someone would be that cute with me! *sigh*"

Me, the hypocrite.

*EPIPHANY
... I think I know why I don't have a love life. Dude I'm like way too hesitant, scared, shy, afraid.

LOL.

Well, if I were to just look at myself as an outside observer, I think it's cuz I've conditioned myself to separate fantasy from reality. Like, really separate it. And expect that things in life aren't always going to turn out the way I want them to, so it's time to just expect nothing more than what I've already experienced? Dunno ...

But then I guess I forget that fairy tales and movies and stuff are the products of someone's imagination, even personal experiences.
That's what people shoud'nt forget I guess. Fairly tales and movies like that exist because someone wrote them ... someone either based these stories/books/movies on past events or even real-life occurances.

Sigh (happy sigh). Still waiting for my one day. I'm psyched for it. LOL.

So yeah. Work, Family, (some)Friends, (some)Sleep, andddd ... blogging. Prettttty much all that has happened to me in the past week. On the upside, I'm making money and today I got paid time and a half. So ... woot.


Anyways, random quote of they day is:

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
Carl Zwanzig

Uhm ... Righhhht.

People These Days Man ...

The news is on in the background and my ears perk up as something catches my attention.

There has been another slaying in the city, another (what I think to be) gang-related violent act.
And I'm seriously in shock, even though the novelty has worn off for some people by now.

Not too long ago there was the florist who was tied up and found dead in the back of her store by her husband.
There was the double-murder-suicide in Brampton. The one where there was a woman attacked for her purse and stabbed. A "by-stander" ran to her rescue and ended up being killed in the process. Here's the tragic part - that "by-stander" was actually her husband, running to save her from the petty maniac who attacked her.
They left behind a son.
More recently, there was a stabbing of a (I think) 16-year-old boy. He was beaten to death in an apartment stairwell and was found there the following afternoon around 2PM.

Here's my question: Are you kidding me?

No one saw this? No one saw anything suspicious or heard anything? Sorry folks, I don't buy it -- I dont' beleive that no one at least heard anything. I'm pretty sure if someone is being beaten to death, there is some noise.
And the heartbreaking plea that his mother made on cameras for anyone who knows anything to come forward is enough to really make you want to hit someone for being stupid.
I understand that if someone did, in fact hear something, they'd be afraid cuz then someone may find out who they are -- but there are ways to be anonymous you know. You can bring justice to this boy's death and keep yourself safe - I'm pretty sure cops want you to be safe

I swear, people these days man.

Reminiscing. I wish I was still thirteen.

Ah. It was nice.

I was looking over some files on my computer, you know, trying to clean up the hard drive and free up some of the space and I came across some old saved MSN conversations (automatically saved onto my computer). The one that grabbed my attention (aka, the one conversation I was antsy to re-read) was, not-surprisingly, my MSN conversation history with D.R.

Yeah, I know. Good one [me].

Lol, but seriously, it felt so nice just re-reading those convo's. It brought back a lot of memories of the past with him. The great guy he was and the even greater guy he became. He now has his act together and has goals, which I've always personally wondered about. You know, my own goals -- not the far-fetched dreams, but the more realisitc ones. I mean, I don't have a 5-year-plan. I don't have a 10-year-plan. Heck, I can only say that I have a 4-year-plan because I have school and my goal is to finish it without getting kicked out or put on academic probation. Can you believe that? That's my fucking goal. LOL.

I thought about this time last year and how he re-established contact with me and we ended up actually seeing each other. I realize now that I'm not scared when I'm around him.
I'm terrified.
But not the oh-my-gawd-he's-going-to-kill-me terrified -- more like, oh-my-gawd-I-wish-I-was-still-in-the-8th-grade-!!!!!! terrified.

I wish that we didn't break up. I wish that on that day on the bench last year when we were talking about out past and our presents and our lives; I wish I had jsut given in and kissed him like I wanted to. I didn't cuz I was scared - what if he didn't really expect it and I freaked him out as the ex-girlfriend who can't get past the past? That would have sucked major balls I tell ya.

But not-knowing is worse. I mean, UGH. Story of my fucking life. Everything in my personaly life is unknown and never really determined. I don't ever finish what I start (in my personal life), which is one of my major flaws. I have the drive and ambition there. I'm like that rattle - you know, the ones that babies play with. You can hear the drive and ambition there but you can never really get it out. Unless you break the rattle.
I don't plan on being physically harmed to bring out my drive and ambition.

... Wait, do I?

That's a tough question, I'm not prepared and I feel like ... ill-equipped to even begin answering that. Lol.

Anyways, as I was saying: Not-knowing is worse.
I'm like fully stuck in my life cuz there are some things that are unknown to me and will remain that way forever. I feel like psycho-analyzing myself so I'm thinking, I can't move on if I still have something in the way. You can't sail the waters if you havne't finished constructing the boat yet right? Maybe that's my problem? I don't know ...

I don't know what happened between me and D. R.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

I don't know what happened between me and Wilson.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

I don't know what happened between me and Anj.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

Fuck all of you boys; I'm officially fucked in the head cuz of you.

And you know what the worst thing is? I have all this hope that maybe - just maybe, some way, some day, somehow; maybe things will work out for me. That some wonderful person and I will cross-paths and he'll want to be a part of me and my life. He'll want to be a part of my family - not just the "behaved" version 2.0, but you know, the real and raw version of this family I love to hate and hate to love.

I reminisce.

I look back on all the small things; all the good things; all the bad things.

I think back to the time where I was in my most perfect relationship. Where for once, the guy I had fallen heels over head for had fallen heels over head for me too. I think back to how he made me feel: like I was special and the only one he looked at when I walked into a room.
I remember actually (I have no idea why! But, seriously, this one memory has locked itself into my mind. I remember the it like it just happened, and every time I thin about it, I smile and a little flutter from my tummy floats to my throat) that one time in the 8th grade, I arrived late to school. I don't know why, but first period was in the gym. That's where I walked in and D.R. was there. I remember walking into the gym and he looked up from the stage where he was sitting and he smiled his gorgeous smile (yes, I know, we were 13 lol. But to this day, he's still gorgeous to me). He jumped off the stage and I walked over to him and gave him a hug and peck on the cheek (I think it was the cheek). He looked at me and he said that he was glad I was there; that he thought I wasn't coming to school and he was just about to go home.

Never, not once, since then, have I felt that way before. That kind of specialness that only a significant other could provide.
I have in the past, thought that maybe I had found someone. In the end, it was all just my hopes. Getting my hopes up. Which I hate and resent and you know why?
I got a taste of it and then it was all yanked out from under me.



Ugh, I wish I was still 13.

ramblings

ever feel like you have no idea where your life is headed?
i really hate that feeling cuz i feel so dumb, foolish and lost sometimes because of it.
i never wanted to be this way you know. i feel so far from normal sometimes it's insane and it's really weird cuz my life isn't like ... extreme and filled with action or anything.
i'm not like rich and have all these opportunities to blow my time, money and brain cells on useless shit y'know.
i'm so ... ordinary. but i hate it. thing that sets me apart from all those Rags to Riches type of people is that i've got no motivation for change. my parent's are pretty strict and when i mean strict i mean, they're so strict they dont' even seem strict. which is the worst type of strict.
like, my parents will most definitely forbid me from having guy friends and shit but they talk to me about marriage and how to choose the right person yada yada yada ...
how the hell does that even make any sense?! and then they won't let me go out at times but i sneak around that and my pretty much have to hide my parent's un-reasonable-ness from them.
okay so maybe saying that they're so strict they dont even seem strict ... cuz now that i think about it -- it doesn't make any sense LOL.
they're just really contradictory.
like HELLO, how do you even expect me to have people interested in me if you simply do not allow me male company i.e. friends??????
like, my dad thinks me and my firends chilling for two hours is an hour and a half more than we need.

who the fuck has half our heart to heart chills/conversations?

aside from like phone job interviews.

PLEASE DAD!

i'm so ... GAH! frustrated cuz i feel so stuck all the time. i'm so stuck in this rut of a life and there's nothing i can do to change it. i can't change it. i'm fucking stuck in this fuckign rut. FOREVER.

i want so depsperately to have the parents that will agree with my decisions - and i dont mean like, "mom, dad i'm going to jump of a bridge" type of decisions. i mean real-life decisions you know.
if i had it my way, i'd have taken private vocal lessons and taken music in University - as unpractical as that may seem. i've always wanted to take a stab at drama and music. but there was never any way that my mom and dad would let me do that so i nipped the bud on that dream a lond time ago. or so i thought. looks like i didn't really get rid of that entire dream, cuz it's still here, 12 years later.

i had to be practical. i had to listen to what my parent's said and every fiber of my being had to listen. i can't make decisions without having them in mind. and sometimes, their internal grip on me is so strong, all i can do is sit stupidly in my room and cry frustrated tears.

i love my parent's, but it's so hard to be here with them sometimes you know.

and like, ... i was gonna say something but now i forget ...

yeah i dunno. anywyas there was this one time where i had an interview with a talent agency. i remember being so excited - i had never been more excited for anything else in my entire life. i was 15 and i wanted it so bad, but my dad didn't want to drive me there and my mom listened to my dad. i couldn't very well go there my myself and pammies parents wouldn't let her either. we were stuck and i remember being so angry. SO angry i couldn't even move. i was so scared.

you know, even at this really young age (aroujnd 11 or so), i would imagine my life and what i wanted to have accomplished by the time i was 19. every year i thought that somethign would happen in my life to change it for the best. for everyone. but nope, nothing. in fact, things have become really bad. for my parents - they're in a financial hole right now and we ain't got NO ladders ...
i kept thinkiing every year that something would happen and i'd be given this great opportunity.
and when the year passed, i kept thinking, it's okay you're only 15 you can make it by 17. it's okay you're only 17 you can make it by 19.

i'm 19 in freaking 2 weeks and all i've managed to do is hold down a job for a year, lol.

don't get me wrong, i'm not like self-pitying myself (yes, yes i am) because whatever, there's nothing wrong. i just havne't really figured out what i want with my life. where its' headed and stuff. because this childhood (more like freakin' child-like) dream of mine keeps intervening. it wont' go away and it ends up just making me sad when i realize that i haven't accomplished much yet. i haven't really established myself as a person yet. and it's hard cuz i want to. i've always thought that i would be somebody.
either a lawyer, actress, singer, doctor, designer, author, photographer even a wedding planner.

cuz i like all those things, well, the law thing was more because i learned of how my grandfather's died and was motivated for a while to work my way up to that.
but then i didn't take any other interest in law practice so yeah...

i also didn't have any tangible guidance through my high school career y'know. my mom and dad were always busy working and had left it up to me to guide myself. i mean they fed me and signed my permission slips and forms, but everything else was up to me.
moral support you ask? more like they expected me to be the best and excel in everything. if i didn't they threatened to take away my freedom.
waht freedom you ask? that's also what i asked but even though they had nothing real to take away from me, i still followed them cuz maybe in the back of my mind hearing that i would have my freedom taken away signified this mirage of freedom that i had?

ohhh man.

i just hate not knwoing what's going to happen to me. and at the same time i feel like planning is goijng to get me nowhere. i'm in uni right now. i'm somewhere and at least i'm there. i remember when i was applying last year, in the back of my head i was telling myself that i would rather be somewhere than nowhere at all.

but now i'm getting scared cuz like ... i dont' want to be somewhere i dont want to be.

ugh, dead end.

Lonely. Oh So Lonely :( -- except, not.

There's this song by Akon called Lonely -- a total revival of an earlier song, but c'mon, legitimate artists are hard to come by this day and age right.

(8) Lonely ... I'm so lonely ...
I have nobody
For my own ...
O-Ohhhh, I'm so lonely ...
Oh so lonley ...
I have nobody to call my own ... (8)

And yeah. So PA is back in my life/back in the city!! For the time being anyways. She's got to go back in June me thinks -- cuz she's LAME and has to do summer courses. Whatever, she's a smart cookie -- maybe wasting four months here doing nothing is not all it's cracked up to be.

Anyways, I went over to her place today and we had our heart-to-heart/gossip/being-girls time. And it was deeeelightful! It feels amazing having her here! ESPESH cuz P and A are now, officially, MIA from my life for the rest of the month. P's in Pinas and A's going under the knife tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, she's been through so much and never really complains about it.
Well, okay, obvi there are times when we're both, "wtf" about the whole sitch, but there's nothing she ever wishes on anyone that she would feel really bad for. Cuz she's a good girly.

P's in the motherland and I'm tres JEAL! I'm also the one who was realllly, extremely excited for her mind you lol. I mean, even when I got the txt from her saying that she had landed and that it was humid there -- it was SURREAL! I kept thinking, omga, she's on the other side of the FREAKING WORLD!

ANYwhoozles, today was catch-up-on-8-months-of-news with PA. We talked about the O situation and how she has turned into a downright psychopath lol. Some weird force has taken over her body and she is now acting like everything she has ever stood against back in high school. Not taking "love" seriously and treating it with such disregard, and talking major shit behind her supposed best friend's back. Why I Oughtta! We talked about how we wanted relationships and to have that special someone in our lives. Hopefully our prince charming's can focus their eyes on the road to getting to us a little better cuz it's taken a good 18 years now and I'm getting a tad antsy, you hear me?

You know, I figure no matter how "lonely" I am, I'm always going to have my friends and family with me and I spend basically all my time with them anyway so it'll be hard to have time for anyone else?

(Totally say things like that to myself, so as to ease the pain that is my lame lonliness LOL).

*Woa, I just scratched my eye and had a mini-daydream where I saw the face of my dreamboy. OMGA he was beatiful!*

There's also the matter of Anj. What a little jerk eh, telling G and J -- the two girls I really cannot grow to enjoy the company of (seeing as they are both former best friends of mine! *woa*), that him and I did the deed. Puh-fucking-lease Anj, you know that I wouldn't do it and even IF it came close last time, that means jack shit at the momento. Asswipe. So full of it.

Why does he keep acting like such a jerk, I mean, I'm supposed to be his friend. He told me that things between me and him and other girls and him is that him and I have this history. We were friends in the 4th grade you know. He's treating me like shit; like I'm one of his friggin broads and HECK no I'm not. I didn't even like him before, when I was back in high school eh. I really was convinced that he was gross and that he was nothign to me. And hey, it was true. But then this year came and all his friends are gone so I supose he talks to us -- basically A and he tells her stuff that is obviously going to come back to me.
It's like what PA said, "maybe he wants you to be angry at him?"

Thing is, we never see each other anyway, why woud he want me to be angry with him?

my week: going green

this week has been ridiculously tiring - more than i'm used to by now. i mean, when i was in high school i was like some sort of machine, i seriously don't think i knew what the word sleep meant. but then Uni came around and all i did was sleep, go to school, eat, and go out with friends. now that it's all over, i've been working.
this was my first 40 hour week of work and oh-my-freakin'-gawd: i am TIRED.
i haven't even seen mands since our exam! LAST thursday. i've seen mahal thankfully becuase of work and i think i'm seeing her tonight. she's leaving for the Philippines on monday and i'm so jealous lol but i'm so excited for her at the same time! i think she has a stop over in Tokyo and then on her way to Manila -- get this, the flight alone TO Tokyo is 12 hours; and then there's another 12 to get to Manila. HAHA. oh crikey.
so yeah my week was tiring and i haven't been on the computer or facebook or chekced my email since last sunday. 0_0.
i do not like that. i mean i guess the week went by SO much faster and i was "going green" by not using that unneccessary energy (lol) buttttttt, i feel so disconnected from the world.
i've been getting into all this "going green" stuff -- it's really interesting and truly makes me feel bad and think twice about how i spend my money, what i wear, the energy i use to shower etc.
go green peeps, if you want to live any longer.

ramblings.

Had another dream with Wilson and friggin D. R. again. What are the odds of that, I'm being serious.
It's really weird. Like ... WWHY?
I can't even remember what happened ... all I remember was that Wilson was something of a jerk in it and D. R. was in the school office getting in trouble. When I went to look for him though, he was gone ...
Maybe M. D. was right, maybe that one person for me will be someone from my past? I mean I've seriously tried to erase the guys from my past from my memory -- from my thoughts and EVERYTHING. But I have apparently failed miserably.
I fail miserably at a lot of things to be honest.
I'm glad that my best friend is even talking to me after what I did but there's nothing I can do to erase it now right ... only hope and pray that I'll be able to stop being haunted over what I did, as my family and I have much bigger fish to fry than my own personal problems.

I've an exam tonight at 7 and then I'm not sure if there's going to be some celebrating afterwards, I'd like to think there will be. But I'm not even of age yet so that might be a problem...
As for what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the summer ... work? And maybe find another decent job. I wanted to join the YMCA, but like, I have no money lol. SOOO yeah there's that. I want to joinnn. I desperately need a workout. DESPERATELY. And running errands and going for walks is just not doing anything for me.

Off to study.
payce yo.

i hope that sorry IS enough ...

friendships are the strongest bonds yet also the most fragile; for it takes only a seemingly small slippage to completely wreck something that took forever to build up.
when you make a mistake; when you have wronged your best friend, you have to own up to it. don't make excuses for yourself.
i'm owning up to my mistake. for whatever reason, i wasn't in the right mindset, and i wasn't thinking straight - i didn't really think things through and the toll on our friendship my actions would take but there it is.
the past, it's done. it's unchangeable, and i can't do anything about it.
excect say over and over how much i regret it and how i would do things differently because now that i look back on it, i know how i would have behaved. i know that i was acting like a complete moron. i mean, i kept thinking that you were going to get in and i was pissed. i was like wtf, this is unfair. the bouncers and hte people inside that were in charge said there was nothing they could do about it. and i remember feeling like i was talking outside of myself or something and then i went inside. i kept trying to tell her to wait...
i dont' know what for. for some reason i just had it in my head that she was getting in.
but that's beside the point. cuz what i should have done is just go after her. but i didn't . and i failed as a best friend. i have don all my best friends in the past so much wrong. it's like, i dunno i'm retarded or something.
but this one --hell no.
i'm going to get her forgiveness somehow. it's gonna take some time but i dont care. i cna't live without her there for me and i want to show her that i'll never betray her like that again.
i'm sorry mands.
please dont' say that sorry's not enough ...

honestly, when you think you know someone ...

april thus far ...

consists of a whole slew of weird events -- events which could have never really been prepared for.

one in particular:

i found out that this friend of mine, former friend now, is a shit-talking, hypocritical, certified bitch.

O was the type of, i don't know, bible-bearing person who always preached to people. she took Christianity to an almost show-offy level, one on which i now feel no guilt in saying i saw through completely. i mean she was what, 14/15, when she "converted" -- much to the popularized belief that she did this for some guy she really liked. then again, i didn't know her and once i did i believed (seriously) that she converted for her own reasons. but now, yeah, not so sure.

she totally screwed me over last year too, with this guy i liked. not gonna go into the details cuz whatever, i'm over it (no, not really) and i know that regardless of her meddling, nothing would have happened anyways, but that's beside the point. the point is that when you claim to be "best friends" with someone, or "one of" those limited, special, sacred few -- you are ultimately obligated to do things in their best interest. i was not interested in her fully sabotaging me. for crying out loud. CAMMAN!
so then she "changes". all because her now ex (M) heard about her interesting behaviour (before they were going out) and decided he didn't like the person she really was. well she balled and cried and blah blah. she actually had a falling out with M's very close friend, PA (also a friend that i hold very dear and very close, i love that girl!). PA and i, well i would say she is one of my closest and dearest-to-my-heart friends. she knows me pretty much inside and out. anyways we had been having issues with O for a while and decided that the person she really was, well, there was nothing we could do to change it so we had to just deal.
it got to the point where "dealing" with it just became a form of self-inflicted stress.
i dind't do the open confrontation. PA did, and of course at first i was hesitant to get involved cuz i'm not good with the whole in-your-face confrontation approach. i like to stand on the other side of the door kind of thing. but PA did it and well O confronted me about what i thought about. what i really thought about her. she asked me if i was still mad about hte whole E thing ... about you know, sabotaging me (is what i call it lol) and i said that yeah i was really mad before but that i was over it. clearly i lied, but like whatever -- what does it really matter anyways.

in the end she started dating M. they went out for a good 6 months (?) i think, and then she broke up with him.
here's how it went down (story is from what i have gathered, and from what M has told me);
he (M) was crazy for her (O). their relationship was uber cute and they seemed over the moon for each other. their relationship seemed genuine and M is a really caring and good guy. O seemed to have changed as well, so it was easy to forget about all the things that happened in the past and just take her for what she was then.
she broke up with him saying that she didn't want to be in a relationship - that she still "loved" him and that it wasn't that she didn't want to be with him, but that she could'nt be with anyone. approx. 2 days later a friend of M's saw O with another guy - smoochin' it up. grrrrrreat huh?
this guy, P, is the same guy that M had always perceived as a threat to his relationship with O for various reasons, one of which is that P always acted like M wasn't around when talking to O. that he would be flirtatious and extra close -- i mean c'mon, the boyfriend is RIGHT there buddy.
she has cut all lines of communication between them: phone, msn, facebook, even friends (all her frineds who used to talk to M have now ceased).
i think that she wanted to keep this new relationship of hers on the downlow for a while. i mean, i guess a new relationship only a few days after breaking up with her nice boyfriend would look bad. but then again, what does Ms. Bible care right? oh, about htat, apparently she hasn't been going to church (M goes to the same church) for like what ... 2 months now? maybe she's at a different church, who knows. point is, she's avoidant of something. that or she was fake about it? dunnnnno.
i was also told that when another one of M's friend had seen her on campus with her new beau, she accidentally intoduced P as her boyfriend but then corrected her self saying, "oh, i mean, my friend P".
she was at a club though, and one of my good friends was there (someone that she has said she hates) and when they ran into one another, O introduced my friend, N, to her "new boyfriend", saying that she broke up with her "old boyfriend". i dunno, i'm weirded out with O's new behaviour. she's not like this, or so i thought. i actually trusted her with things that i didn't trust other people with. and she doens't feel bad in saying that i'm a "wishy washy" person and that essentially i'm someone who "pretends that i care about people, but reality i don't give a shit about them".
nice.
she said other things about her "close" friends but i'm so not saying it. just the stuff about me. cuz it makes me feel special. ugh.
you know, at my debut (18th formal Birthday celebration in filipino culture), one of my best friends (P) was giving a speech about me and in the midst, she started to cry.
O turned to PA in the middle of it and said, "I could never cry over (me), could you cry over her? maybe if it was you or R, but not (me)".
PA told me this herself, as she was shocked O would be as senseless as to say this.
whattabitch.
yepppp.

honestly, when you think you know someone ...

update.

wow. i haven't updated since march the 6th. and it's now the 29th.
basically, the month has gone by. and i'm not sure if there's been any development in any aspect of my life but i'm sure that it'll come to me?
so this month was pretty heavy. i had a whole slew of assignments due and once again, i procrastinated on every single one. like today. i should have written up a copy of this story for my dance class -- but did i? nopeee.
and i'm going to be really screwed wow.

so what else? well a while ago, a friend of ours introduced us to this really cute brown guy and in the past two weeks we (A and I) have seen him twice. not bad for not knowing if i was ever going to bump into him again i guess.

i dunno man. im like what, nineteen? and i have yet to be in a serious relationship of any kind. i just don't think there's anyone out there that would make me brave enough to be in a relationship you know what i mean? there are way too many weirdo's and i'm just really, incredibly, iffy about it.

fakkk it's 2AM i shoudl really get to bed cuz i have work at 9, but need to start the journey down at 7.

much of an update that was ...
LOL.

peace