Reminiscing. I wish I was still thirteen.

Ah. It was nice.

I was looking over some files on my computer, you know, trying to clean up the hard drive and free up some of the space and I came across some old saved MSN conversations (automatically saved onto my computer). The one that grabbed my attention (aka, the one conversation I was antsy to re-read) was, not-surprisingly, my MSN conversation history with D.R.

Yeah, I know. Good one [me].

Lol, but seriously, it felt so nice just re-reading those convo's. It brought back a lot of memories of the past with him. The great guy he was and the even greater guy he became. He now has his act together and has goals, which I've always personally wondered about. You know, my own goals -- not the far-fetched dreams, but the more realisitc ones. I mean, I don't have a 5-year-plan. I don't have a 10-year-plan. Heck, I can only say that I have a 4-year-plan because I have school and my goal is to finish it without getting kicked out or put on academic probation. Can you believe that? That's my fucking goal. LOL.

I thought about this time last year and how he re-established contact with me and we ended up actually seeing each other. I realize now that I'm not scared when I'm around him.
I'm terrified.
But not the oh-my-gawd-he's-going-to-kill-me terrified -- more like, oh-my-gawd-I-wish-I-was-still-in-the-8th-grade-!!!!!! terrified.

I wish that we didn't break up. I wish that on that day on the bench last year when we were talking about out past and our presents and our lives; I wish I had jsut given in and kissed him like I wanted to. I didn't cuz I was scared - what if he didn't really expect it and I freaked him out as the ex-girlfriend who can't get past the past? That would have sucked major balls I tell ya.

But not-knowing is worse. I mean, UGH. Story of my fucking life. Everything in my personaly life is unknown and never really determined. I don't ever finish what I start (in my personal life), which is one of my major flaws. I have the drive and ambition there. I'm like that rattle - you know, the ones that babies play with. You can hear the drive and ambition there but you can never really get it out. Unless you break the rattle.
I don't plan on being physically harmed to bring out my drive and ambition.

... Wait, do I?

That's a tough question, I'm not prepared and I feel like ... ill-equipped to even begin answering that. Lol.

Anyways, as I was saying: Not-knowing is worse.
I'm like fully stuck in my life cuz there are some things that are unknown to me and will remain that way forever. I feel like psycho-analyzing myself so I'm thinking, I can't move on if I still have something in the way. You can't sail the waters if you havne't finished constructing the boat yet right? Maybe that's my problem? I don't know ...

I don't know what happened between me and D. R.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

I don't know what happened between me and Wilson.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

I don't know what happened between me and Anj.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?

Fuck all of you boys; I'm officially fucked in the head cuz of you.

And you know what the worst thing is? I have all this hope that maybe - just maybe, some way, some day, somehow; maybe things will work out for me. That some wonderful person and I will cross-paths and he'll want to be a part of me and my life. He'll want to be a part of my family - not just the "behaved" version 2.0, but you know, the real and raw version of this family I love to hate and hate to love.

I reminisce.

I look back on all the small things; all the good things; all the bad things.

I think back to the time where I was in my most perfect relationship. Where for once, the guy I had fallen heels over head for had fallen heels over head for me too. I think back to how he made me feel: like I was special and the only one he looked at when I walked into a room.
I remember actually (I have no idea why! But, seriously, this one memory has locked itself into my mind. I remember the it like it just happened, and every time I thin about it, I smile and a little flutter from my tummy floats to my throat) that one time in the 8th grade, I arrived late to school. I don't know why, but first period was in the gym. That's where I walked in and D.R. was there. I remember walking into the gym and he looked up from the stage where he was sitting and he smiled his gorgeous smile (yes, I know, we were 13 lol. But to this day, he's still gorgeous to me). He jumped off the stage and I walked over to him and gave him a hug and peck on the cheek (I think it was the cheek). He looked at me and he said that he was glad I was there; that he thought I wasn't coming to school and he was just about to go home.

Never, not once, since then, have I felt that way before. That kind of specialness that only a significant other could provide.
I have in the past, thought that maybe I had found someone. In the end, it was all just my hopes. Getting my hopes up. Which I hate and resent and you know why?
I got a taste of it and then it was all yanked out from under me.



Ugh, I wish I was still 13.