"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
Truman Capote
Truman Capote
US author (1924 - 1984)
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."
Alan Dean Foster
Alan Dean Foster
"To the Vanishing Point"
Friday, May 30, 2008
Failure to Launch: Dream Recall
I wanted to get my dream(s) up on here as soon as I could.
But I think I've failed -- I can't remember my dream anymore!
Okay there were a whole bunch of people in them this time.
...
B-but I can't remember :'(!
I had some sort of disease? And it wasn't life threatening or anything but at the time (in my dream) all the symptoms made sense; all the symptoms - I had.
We went to N's restaurant that she worked at and then I got lost and ate outside. Then I came back in.
Then what else happened ...
Okay this is hopeless, I can't remember this lol. What I do remember is that in my dream, I woke up and decided to blog about it. I wrote out the dream in such prcise accuracy. Dang. I didn't realize I was dreaming when I blogged!
This is annoying lol.
But I think I've failed -- I can't remember my dream anymore!
Okay there were a whole bunch of people in them this time.
...
B-but I can't remember :'(!
I had some sort of disease? And it wasn't life threatening or anything but at the time (in my dream) all the symptoms made sense; all the symptoms - I had.
We went to N's restaurant that she worked at and then I got lost and ate outside. Then I came back in.
Then what else happened ...
Okay this is hopeless, I can't remember this lol. What I do remember is that in my dream, I woke up and decided to blog about it. I wrote out the dream in such prcise accuracy. Dang. I didn't realize I was dreaming when I blogged!
This is annoying lol.
yellow fever, apparently
I have what I've decided to call: Shia Fever. Not YELLOW Fever.
I loved him as Louis in Even Stevens and to this day love him.
Loved him as Stanley Yelnats in Holes, loved him as Sam in Transformers, loved him as Henry aka Mud in Indiana Jones.
Yup.
His parents are hippies - I don't know why I know that, but it's such a hot factor for some odd reason.
Again, my taste: the "undiscovered" good look; someone who's like ... shaggy lookin' but can pull it of deliciously.
So hot it hurts.
Hurts so bad.
PAINN.
Today I ran into Nam and Gip at St. George station? (I think?) I don't think they saw me but I saw them lol and smacked Nam on the side of his arm. Gip turns around all decked out in his work "uniform" - black black black (clothes!).
They were on their way to go pants shopping and persuaded me to come along. I don't know how - I didn't really get anything out of it LOL (kidding!) (no, not really...).
I bring this up -not- randomly. It has relevance! And the relevance is because at one point during our little shopping trip I told Gip that one of the guys on one of the Ads in the store was hot.
Then either Nam or Gip says, "Yellow Fever".
To be honest, I always thought that "Yellow Fever" referred to white (or other non-asians) and their liking towards us asians.
I didn't know it could be used as a way to describe how asian girls all like white guys?!
- Which isn't true all the time!
I've has the preference for white guys cuz it's all I've ever really known! I went to school (from a very young age might I add) with the majority of the guys being white. Asian guys were scarce and if they happened to be there, they weren't ... uhm .... Shia. lol, okay no one is Shia, that's unfair.
They were just bad. Bad.
Anyways, basically I'm putting it out there that I like asians! It's true. I'm guilty of eyeing groups of filipino's - where of course, I'm forced to overt my eyes because their tough girlfriends are always around.
Can't even gawk in peace anymore. Geez.
Shia fever: I have it. He's hilarious, an amazing actor - the next big actor for SURE (he's already proving that though, I don't need to help him convince anyone), and makes me seriously melt in place.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A Quickie Before Bedtime
My birthday -- 19 here I am :)
I smile upon you, oh 1 and 9. For with you numbers, I am now able to buy booze legally and in turn suffer the legal consequences.
2:12AM - I think that I should get to bed now, so back to this when I wake up!
Quote:
I smile upon you, oh 1 and 9. For with you numbers, I am now able to buy booze legally and in turn suffer the legal consequences.
2:12AM - I think that I should get to bed now, so back to this when I wake up!
Quote:
- "Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius."
Friday, May 23, 2008
G1 - gee, about time.
PASSED.
(EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!)
Tests are always intense. Even if it's something as simple as the G1 test. A written "exam" with two parts: Road Signs and Road Rules.
You know what's hilarious though? Some of the questions you find on tests. Sometimes I think that these ridiculous questions are designed to relieve tension in the testee. LOL.
Par example:
"When an oncoming car's headlights are shining too bright, what do you do?
A) Turn on your high beam lights as well
B) Look slightly to the left
C) Look directly into the light
D) Open and close your eyes rapidly until the car has passed"
HAHAHA. (This wasn't a real question on my test, it was a question I had on this free online practice test thingy ma-bobber).
So, I was oddly nervous for the test, even though I knew I shouldn't have been. My dad has never seen me pre-exam/pre-test before. So, he's never - as in ever - seen me nervous before. He probably thinks I'm like, cool as a cucumber under pressure or something. HA daddy, HA I say.
He kept thinking I was acting strange and everything. Argh. Anyways, the testing place that we went to was somewhere in the Downsview Station area. (I know this because we passed the station). The place is kind of like .. weird. I've been there before but I have no idea when, why and how.
Testing room was funny though - honestly, some people are just one in a million.
You know how a general rule in any test/exam situation is that you turn off your cell phone OR you just ignore it whilst DOING the test? One man's phone rings real loud and the people at the front are like, "Sir please turn off your cellphone."
A few minutes later, some Filipino guy's phone rings and ... he answers it. He's fully talking on his phone telling his pal that he's in a test (he even manages to chuckle at something his pal says) lol, andd everyone's looking at him (including me) with this odd expression on their faces, as if saying "DUDE?!! Are you SERIOUS?" lol.
I enjoyed it.
Plus, I felt so accomplished after taking the test. Why did it take me 3 years to finally decide on writing the test exactly? I could have been friggin driving by now.
Oh me.
AH! It's the 23rd. B-day! @&%#^!! How did this happen so fast, I seriously didn't see this coming.
QOTD:
(EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!)
Tests are always intense. Even if it's something as simple as the G1 test. A written "exam" with two parts: Road Signs and Road Rules.
You know what's hilarious though? Some of the questions you find on tests. Sometimes I think that these ridiculous questions are designed to relieve tension in the testee. LOL.
Par example:
"When an oncoming car's headlights are shining too bright, what do you do?
A) Turn on your high beam lights as well
B) Look slightly to the left
C) Look directly into the light
D) Open and close your eyes rapidly until the car has passed"
HAHAHA. (This wasn't a real question on my test, it was a question I had on this free online practice test thingy ma-bobber).
So, I was oddly nervous for the test, even though I knew I shouldn't have been. My dad has never seen me pre-exam/pre-test before. So, he's never - as in ever - seen me nervous before. He probably thinks I'm like, cool as a cucumber under pressure or something. HA daddy, HA I say.
He kept thinking I was acting strange and everything. Argh. Anyways, the testing place that we went to was somewhere in the Downsview Station area. (I know this because we passed the station). The place is kind of like .. weird. I've been there before but I have no idea when, why and how.
Testing room was funny though - honestly, some people are just one in a million.
You know how a general rule in any test/exam situation is that you turn off your cell phone OR you just ignore it whilst DOING the test? One man's phone rings real loud and the people at the front are like, "Sir please turn off your cellphone."
A few minutes later, some Filipino guy's phone rings and ... he answers it. He's fully talking on his phone telling his pal that he's in a test (he even manages to chuckle at something his pal says) lol, andd everyone's looking at him (including me) with this odd expression on their faces, as if saying "DUDE?!! Are you SERIOUS?" lol.
I enjoyed it.
Plus, I felt so accomplished after taking the test. Why did it take me 3 years to finally decide on writing the test exactly? I could have been friggin driving by now.
Oh me.
AH! It's the 23rd. B-day! @&%#^!! How did this happen so fast, I seriously didn't see this coming.
QOTD:
- "Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
*forgot**
Random quote of the day/night/early morning:
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. "
Elbert HubbardUS author (1856 - 1915)
Elbert HubbardUS author (1856 - 1915)
I like it.
Because it's true.
Oh, so, very, true.
life. life. life.
I'mmmmmm alive and well.
woot.
Annnd, I think I'm getting my G1 tomorrow (aka today), but I'm not 100% sure. Dad said he would take me on Monday but then last minute tells me that he doesn't have time then so he may take me tomorrow. I'm not gonna hold my breath - I mean: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, y'know. He may have forgotten or changed his mind again last minute. Lol, it's all good.
Anyyyyyyyyways, I'm all fine and welll because of the following wonderful men in my life:
Rupert Grint
I love you, marry me? Thanks for keeping my childhood with me all these years, I still remember falling in love with you when I was 11.
James McAvoy
You've officially sucked me in with your Scottish vaccuum of charm - totally just quoted that btw. Do me a favour and stop being so amazing, it's really a pain to watch movies with you in them now
Charlie Cox
Becuase of you, I ended up watching Stardust three times. In one night.
Three times ... uhm, consecutively.
Ben Barnes
The newest member to the Prevent-[me]-From Sleeping club is Benny Boy here. Why are you so beautiful Ben, why.
Birthday soon and it's funny because it hasn't really hit me yet. Like, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that it's been a year since I've a)had my last birthday b)been in high school (okay, so, it's been roughly a year since then). I'm still not sure if I've grown as a person and no, I dont' mean physically. I know that I've learned a whole cornucopia of personal lessons (EVEN STEVENS!) - ones that are now embedded deep within myself. I know that I've learned a whole lot about my friends; that is, I know who they are now.
Wow, 19. I've been alive for 19 years. And counting (by the will of God). I do feel blessed. I do.
I know that my blogs are all complaints and such - I must really sound ungrateful eh? But it's not all that you know. Those are just the most dominant thoughts when I blog LOL. It's not a crime to feel uncertain and to feel scared. Fear's no crime. It's not a sin to be uneasy, unsure and scared of what's to come. A friend of mine was dead on when he said that you just can't lose faith or hope. Sure, be a little scared - but don't lose hope. Don't lose your faith.
I don't ... I just misplace it sometimes! Haha.
But yeah. When I look back on this year it's like, wow, in such a short time, so much has changed. It's like, everything bad that could have happened, happened. Well, not everything - but definitely a whole lot of things. And it's not only in my little, small realm of a life - so much has changed and happened in the world. Deaths, Disasters, Destruction. Some say the world is coming to an end. Some say that it was because this year was a leap year. Who knows, all I know is that this year had loads of drama.
Loads more to say but it's 2:18 so I'mma hit the hayyyy.
ZzZzZzzzZzzzZz
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
a quickie.
Here's an update for ya. What is with me and not being able to say no to my manager at work?
So far I've worked, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and I will be working Tomorrow, Wednesday AND Thursday. For those of you who aren't understanding: That's a flipping 7 day week.
GAH.
Too bad for nita, I'm booking off that thursday cuz I have to go to my little sis's Spring Concert - whoop-de-doo.
lol.
Anywayys, what have I even been up to? My days have kinda become meshed together in my head where I can't remember what kinds of things I've even done. Sometimes I forget things like if I even went to work that day or something. Should I be concerened about that - that's my question.
On Saturday after work N and J(S) picked me up from work and we watched Narnia 2: Prince Caspian.
You guessed it, I fell in love. All over again with Peter and Edmund (Edmund's growing up quite nicely), but also Caspian, aka, Ben Barns (I think -- ouuu, totally gotta obsess over him when I have the time ...). Anyways, watching movies just make me really depressed (not really) cuz I wish I could be in movies. I mean, how hard could it really be ... lol. Seriously.
Bah, okay, enough about that.
Hmmm ... what else did I do? Spent time with the familia again, like I always do. I realize I'm always with the familia - and I don't spend as much time with my friends as I'd like to. I think part of it is cuz I see my cousins and stuff so spontaneously most of the time. Like, we'll go there for dinner at 9:30PM - right after I finish my shift or something. I don't know if I could do that to my friends. That would make me feel uncomfortable lol; like, I'm invading their chill time at home or something. Like I'm a disturbance of the peace or something.
Sis was sick this weekend, she developed flu-like symptoms around Friday and has had the sniffles and headaches. Haha, I said flu-like symptoms, dont' know why, but that's funny.
Uhm ... what else? Got a random call from AJ today. Don't really know that kid but he's nice and I remember telling him we'd chill once I'm done school. I actually said that to another guy too ...
Why'd I do that ... I don't even know them. LOL.
Omga - you know when guys say that? Like they'll ask a girl to go out (someone they just met) and the girl will say, "Uhm, I don't know, I dont' really know you ..." The guy will respond with, "Well, that's the point. Let's get to know each other *;)*"
Yeah - CREEPS.
Mind you, that's only creepy in real-life. In movies and stuff I know I'd be like, "Awwwwwww. I wish someone would be that cute with me! *sigh*"
Me, the hypocrite.
*EPIPHANY
... I think I know why I don't have a love life. Dude I'm like way too hesitant, scared, shy, afraid.
LOL.
Well, if I were to just look at myself as an outside observer, I think it's cuz I've conditioned myself to separate fantasy from reality. Like, really separate it. And expect that things in life aren't always going to turn out the way I want them to, so it's time to just expect nothing more than what I've already experienced? Dunno ...
But then I guess I forget that fairy tales and movies and stuff are the products of someone's imagination, even personal experiences.
That's what people shoud'nt forget I guess. Fairly tales and movies like that exist because someone wrote them ... someone either based these stories/books/movies on past events or even real-life occurances.
Sigh (happy sigh). Still waiting for my one day. I'm psyched for it. LOL.
So yeah. Work, Family, (some)Friends, (some)Sleep, andddd ... blogging. Prettttty much all that has happened to me in the past week. On the upside, I'm making money and today I got paid time and a half. So ... woot.
Anyways, random quote of they day is:
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
Carl Zwanzig
Uhm ... Righhhht.
So far I've worked, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and I will be working Tomorrow, Wednesday AND Thursday. For those of you who aren't understanding: That's a flipping 7 day week.
GAH.
Too bad for nita, I'm booking off that thursday cuz I have to go to my little sis's Spring Concert - whoop-de-doo.
lol.
Anywayys, what have I even been up to? My days have kinda become meshed together in my head where I can't remember what kinds of things I've even done. Sometimes I forget things like if I even went to work that day or something. Should I be concerened about that - that's my question.
On Saturday after work N and J(S) picked me up from work and we watched Narnia 2: Prince Caspian.
You guessed it, I fell in love. All over again with Peter and Edmund (Edmund's growing up quite nicely), but also Caspian, aka, Ben Barns (I think -- ouuu, totally gotta obsess over him when I have the time ...). Anyways, watching movies just make me really depressed (not really) cuz I wish I could be in movies. I mean, how hard could it really be ... lol. Seriously.
Bah, okay, enough about that.
Hmmm ... what else did I do? Spent time with the familia again, like I always do. I realize I'm always with the familia - and I don't spend as much time with my friends as I'd like to. I think part of it is cuz I see my cousins and stuff so spontaneously most of the time. Like, we'll go there for dinner at 9:30PM - right after I finish my shift or something. I don't know if I could do that to my friends. That would make me feel uncomfortable lol; like, I'm invading their chill time at home or something. Like I'm a disturbance of the peace or something.
Sis was sick this weekend, she developed flu-like symptoms around Friday and has had the sniffles and headaches. Haha, I said flu-like symptoms, dont' know why, but that's funny.
Uhm ... what else? Got a random call from AJ today. Don't really know that kid but he's nice and I remember telling him we'd chill once I'm done school. I actually said that to another guy too ...
Why'd I do that ... I don't even know them. LOL.
Omga - you know when guys say that? Like they'll ask a girl to go out (someone they just met) and the girl will say, "Uhm, I don't know, I dont' really know you ..." The guy will respond with, "Well, that's the point. Let's get to know each other *;)*"
Yeah - CREEPS.
Mind you, that's only creepy in real-life. In movies and stuff I know I'd be like, "Awwwwwww. I wish someone would be that cute with me! *sigh*"
Me, the hypocrite.
*EPIPHANY
... I think I know why I don't have a love life. Dude I'm like way too hesitant, scared, shy, afraid.
LOL.
Well, if I were to just look at myself as an outside observer, I think it's cuz I've conditioned myself to separate fantasy from reality. Like, really separate it. And expect that things in life aren't always going to turn out the way I want them to, so it's time to just expect nothing more than what I've already experienced? Dunno ...
But then I guess I forget that fairy tales and movies and stuff are the products of someone's imagination, even personal experiences.
That's what people shoud'nt forget I guess. Fairly tales and movies like that exist because someone wrote them ... someone either based these stories/books/movies on past events or even real-life occurances.
Sigh (happy sigh). Still waiting for my one day. I'm psyched for it. LOL.
So yeah. Work, Family, (some)Friends, (some)Sleep, andddd ... blogging. Prettttty much all that has happened to me in the past week. On the upside, I'm making money and today I got paid time and a half. So ... woot.
Anyways, random quote of they day is:
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
Carl Zwanzig
Uhm ... Righhhht.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
People These Days Man ...
The news is on in the background and my ears perk up as something catches my attention.
There has been another slaying in the city, another (what I think to be) gang-related violent act.
And I'm seriously in shock, even though the novelty has worn off for some people by now.
Not too long ago there was the florist who was tied up and found dead in the back of her store by her husband.
There was the double-murder-suicide in Brampton. The one where there was a woman attacked for her purse and stabbed. A "by-stander" ran to her rescue and ended up being killed in the process. Here's the tragic part - that "by-stander" was actually her husband, running to save her from the petty maniac who attacked her.
They left behind a son.
More recently, there was a stabbing of a (I think) 16-year-old boy. He was beaten to death in an apartment stairwell and was found there the following afternoon around 2PM.
Here's my question: Are you kidding me?
No one saw this? No one saw anything suspicious or heard anything? Sorry folks, I don't buy it -- I dont' beleive that no one at least heard anything. I'm pretty sure if someone is being beaten to death, there is some noise.
And the heartbreaking plea that his mother made on cameras for anyone who knows anything to come forward is enough to really make you want to hit someone for being stupid.
I understand that if someone did, in fact hear something, they'd be afraid cuz then someone may find out who they are -- but there are ways to be anonymous you know. You can bring justice to this boy's death and keep yourself safe - I'm pretty sure cops want you to be safe
I swear, people these days man.
There has been another slaying in the city, another (what I think to be) gang-related violent act.
And I'm seriously in shock, even though the novelty has worn off for some people by now.
Not too long ago there was the florist who was tied up and found dead in the back of her store by her husband.
There was the double-murder-suicide in Brampton. The one where there was a woman attacked for her purse and stabbed. A "by-stander" ran to her rescue and ended up being killed in the process. Here's the tragic part - that "by-stander" was actually her husband, running to save her from the petty maniac who attacked her.
They left behind a son.
More recently, there was a stabbing of a (I think) 16-year-old boy. He was beaten to death in an apartment stairwell and was found there the following afternoon around 2PM.
Here's my question: Are you kidding me?
No one saw this? No one saw anything suspicious or heard anything? Sorry folks, I don't buy it -- I dont' beleive that no one at least heard anything. I'm pretty sure if someone is being beaten to death, there is some noise.
And the heartbreaking plea that his mother made on cameras for anyone who knows anything to come forward is enough to really make you want to hit someone for being stupid.
I understand that if someone did, in fact hear something, they'd be afraid cuz then someone may find out who they are -- but there are ways to be anonymous you know. You can bring justice to this boy's death and keep yourself safe - I'm pretty sure cops want you to be safe
I swear, people these days man.
Reminiscing. I wish I was still thirteen.
Ah. It was nice.
I was looking over some files on my computer, you know, trying to clean up the hard drive and free up some of the space and I came across some old saved MSN conversations (automatically saved onto my computer). The one that grabbed my attention (aka, the one conversation I was antsy to re-read) was, not-surprisingly, my MSN conversation history with D.R.
Yeah, I know. Good one [me].
Lol, but seriously, it felt so nice just re-reading those convo's. It brought back a lot of memories of the past with him. The great guy he was and the even greater guy he became. He now has his act together and has goals, which I've always personally wondered about. You know, my own goals -- not the far-fetched dreams, but the more realisitc ones. I mean, I don't have a 5-year-plan. I don't have a 10-year-plan. Heck, I can only say that I have a 4-year-plan because I have school and my goal is to finish it without getting kicked out or put on academic probation. Can you believe that? That's my fucking goal. LOL.
I thought about this time last year and how he re-established contact with me and we ended up actually seeing each other. I realize now that I'm not scared when I'm around him.
I'm terrified.
But not the oh-my-gawd-he's-going-to-kill-me terrified -- more like, oh-my-gawd-I-wish-I-was-still-in-the-8th-grade-!!!!!! terrified.
I wish that we didn't break up. I wish that on that day on the bench last year when we were talking about out past and our presents and our lives; I wish I had jsut given in and kissed him like I wanted to. I didn't cuz I was scared - what if he didn't really expect it and I freaked him out as the ex-girlfriend who can't get past the past? That would have sucked major balls I tell ya.
But not-knowing is worse. I mean, UGH. Story of my fucking life. Everything in my personaly life is unknown and never really determined. I don't ever finish what I start (in my personal life), which is one of my major flaws. I have the drive and ambition there. I'm like that rattle - you know, the ones that babies play with. You can hear the drive and ambition there but you can never really get it out. Unless you break the rattle.
I don't plan on being physically harmed to bring out my drive and ambition.
... Wait, do I?
That's a tough question, I'm not prepared and I feel like ... ill-equipped to even begin answering that. Lol.
Anyways, as I was saying: Not-knowing is worse.
I'm like fully stuck in my life cuz there are some things that are unknown to me and will remain that way forever. I feel like psycho-analyzing myself so I'm thinking, I can't move on if I still have something in the way. You can't sail the waters if you havne't finished constructing the boat yet right? Maybe that's my problem? I don't know ...
I don't know what happened between me and D. R.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
I don't know what happened between me and Wilson.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
I don't know what happened between me and Anj.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
Fuck all of you boys; I'm officially fucked in the head cuz of you.
And you know what the worst thing is? I have all this hope that maybe - just maybe, some way, some day, somehow; maybe things will work out for me. That some wonderful person and I will cross-paths and he'll want to be a part of me and my life. He'll want to be a part of my family - not just the "behaved" version 2.0, but you know, the real and raw version of this family I love to hate and hate to love.
I reminisce.
I look back on all the small things; all the good things; all the bad things.
I think back to the time where I was in my most perfect relationship. Where for once, the guy I had fallen heels over head for had fallen heels over head for me too. I think back to how he made me feel: like I was special and the only one he looked at when I walked into a room.
I remember actually (I have no idea why! But, seriously, this one memory has locked itself into my mind. I remember the it like it just happened, and every time I thin about it, I smile and a little flutter from my tummy floats to my throat) that one time in the 8th grade, I arrived late to school. I don't know why, but first period was in the gym. That's where I walked in and D.R. was there. I remember walking into the gym and he looked up from the stage where he was sitting and he smiled his gorgeous smile (yes, I know, we were 13 lol. But to this day, he's still gorgeous to me). He jumped off the stage and I walked over to him and gave him a hug and peck on the cheek (I think it was the cheek). He looked at me and he said that he was glad I was there; that he thought I wasn't coming to school and he was just about to go home.
Never, not once, since then, have I felt that way before. That kind of specialness that only a significant other could provide.
I have in the past, thought that maybe I had found someone. In the end, it was all just my hopes. Getting my hopes up. Which I hate and resent and you know why?
I got a taste of it and then it was all yanked out from under me.
Ugh, I wish I was still 13.
I was looking over some files on my computer, you know, trying to clean up the hard drive and free up some of the space and I came across some old saved MSN conversations (automatically saved onto my computer). The one that grabbed my attention (aka, the one conversation I was antsy to re-read) was, not-surprisingly, my MSN conversation history with D.R.
Yeah, I know. Good one [me].
Lol, but seriously, it felt so nice just re-reading those convo's. It brought back a lot of memories of the past with him. The great guy he was and the even greater guy he became. He now has his act together and has goals, which I've always personally wondered about. You know, my own goals -- not the far-fetched dreams, but the more realisitc ones. I mean, I don't have a 5-year-plan. I don't have a 10-year-plan. Heck, I can only say that I have a 4-year-plan because I have school and my goal is to finish it without getting kicked out or put on academic probation. Can you believe that? That's my fucking goal. LOL.
I thought about this time last year and how he re-established contact with me and we ended up actually seeing each other. I realize now that I'm not scared when I'm around him.
I'm terrified.
But not the oh-my-gawd-he's-going-to-kill-me terrified -- more like, oh-my-gawd-I-wish-I-was-still-in-the-8th-grade-!!!!!! terrified.
I wish that we didn't break up. I wish that on that day on the bench last year when we were talking about out past and our presents and our lives; I wish I had jsut given in and kissed him like I wanted to. I didn't cuz I was scared - what if he didn't really expect it and I freaked him out as the ex-girlfriend who can't get past the past? That would have sucked major balls I tell ya.
But not-knowing is worse. I mean, UGH. Story of my fucking life. Everything in my personaly life is unknown and never really determined. I don't ever finish what I start (in my personal life), which is one of my major flaws. I have the drive and ambition there. I'm like that rattle - you know, the ones that babies play with. You can hear the drive and ambition there but you can never really get it out. Unless you break the rattle.
I don't plan on being physically harmed to bring out my drive and ambition.
... Wait, do I?
That's a tough question, I'm not prepared and I feel like ... ill-equipped to even begin answering that. Lol.
Anyways, as I was saying: Not-knowing is worse.
I'm like fully stuck in my life cuz there are some things that are unknown to me and will remain that way forever. I feel like psycho-analyzing myself so I'm thinking, I can't move on if I still have something in the way. You can't sail the waters if you havne't finished constructing the boat yet right? Maybe that's my problem? I don't know ...
I don't know what happened between me and D. R.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
I don't know what happened between me and Wilson.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
I don't know what happened between me and Anj.
Maybe it was nothing, maybe it could have been something?
Fuck all of you boys; I'm officially fucked in the head cuz of you.
And you know what the worst thing is? I have all this hope that maybe - just maybe, some way, some day, somehow; maybe things will work out for me. That some wonderful person and I will cross-paths and he'll want to be a part of me and my life. He'll want to be a part of my family - not just the "behaved" version 2.0, but you know, the real and raw version of this family I love to hate and hate to love.
I reminisce.
I look back on all the small things; all the good things; all the bad things.
I think back to the time where I was in my most perfect relationship. Where for once, the guy I had fallen heels over head for had fallen heels over head for me too. I think back to how he made me feel: like I was special and the only one he looked at when I walked into a room.
I remember actually (I have no idea why! But, seriously, this one memory has locked itself into my mind. I remember the it like it just happened, and every time I thin about it, I smile and a little flutter from my tummy floats to my throat) that one time in the 8th grade, I arrived late to school. I don't know why, but first period was in the gym. That's where I walked in and D.R. was there. I remember walking into the gym and he looked up from the stage where he was sitting and he smiled his gorgeous smile (yes, I know, we were 13 lol. But to this day, he's still gorgeous to me). He jumped off the stage and I walked over to him and gave him a hug and peck on the cheek (I think it was the cheek). He looked at me and he said that he was glad I was there; that he thought I wasn't coming to school and he was just about to go home.
Never, not once, since then, have I felt that way before. That kind of specialness that only a significant other could provide.
I have in the past, thought that maybe I had found someone. In the end, it was all just my hopes. Getting my hopes up. Which I hate and resent and you know why?
I got a taste of it and then it was all yanked out from under me.
Ugh, I wish I was still 13.
Monday, May 12, 2008
ramblings
ever feel like you have no idea where your life is headed?
i really hate that feeling cuz i feel so dumb, foolish and lost sometimes because of it.
i never wanted to be this way you know. i feel so far from normal sometimes it's insane and it's really weird cuz my life isn't like ... extreme and filled with action or anything.
i'm not like rich and have all these opportunities to blow my time, money and brain cells on useless shit y'know.
i'm so ... ordinary. but i hate it. thing that sets me apart from all those Rags to Riches type of people is that i've got no motivation for change. my parent's are pretty strict and when i mean strict i mean, they're so strict they dont' even seem strict. which is the worst type of strict.
like, my parents will most definitely forbid me from having guy friends and shit but they talk to me about marriage and how to choose the right person yada yada yada ...
how the hell does that even make any sense?! and then they won't let me go out at times but i sneak around that and my pretty much have to hide my parent's un-reasonable-ness from them.
okay so maybe saying that they're so strict they dont even seem strict ... cuz now that i think about it -- it doesn't make any sense LOL.
they're just really contradictory.
like HELLO, how do you even expect me to have people interested in me if you simply do not allow me male company i.e. friends??????
like, my dad thinks me and my firends chilling for two hours is an hour and a half more than we need.
who the fuck has half our heart to heart chills/conversations?
aside from like phone job interviews.
PLEASE DAD!
i'm so ... GAH! frustrated cuz i feel so stuck all the time. i'm so stuck in this rut of a life and there's nothing i can do to change it. i can't change it. i'm fucking stuck in this fuckign rut. FOREVER.
i want so depsperately to have the parents that will agree with my decisions - and i dont mean like, "mom, dad i'm going to jump of a bridge" type of decisions. i mean real-life decisions you know.
if i had it my way, i'd have taken private vocal lessons and taken music in University - as unpractical as that may seem. i've always wanted to take a stab at drama and music. but there was never any way that my mom and dad would let me do that so i nipped the bud on that dream a lond time ago. or so i thought. looks like i didn't really get rid of that entire dream, cuz it's still here, 12 years later.
i had to be practical. i had to listen to what my parent's said and every fiber of my being had to listen. i can't make decisions without having them in mind. and sometimes, their internal grip on me is so strong, all i can do is sit stupidly in my room and cry frustrated tears.
i love my parent's, but it's so hard to be here with them sometimes you know.
and like, ... i was gonna say something but now i forget ...
yeah i dunno. anywyas there was this one time where i had an interview with a talent agency. i remember being so excited - i had never been more excited for anything else in my entire life. i was 15 and i wanted it so bad, but my dad didn't want to drive me there and my mom listened to my dad. i couldn't very well go there my myself and pammies parents wouldn't let her either. we were stuck and i remember being so angry. SO angry i couldn't even move. i was so scared.
you know, even at this really young age (aroujnd 11 or so), i would imagine my life and what i wanted to have accomplished by the time i was 19. every year i thought that somethign would happen in my life to change it for the best. for everyone. but nope, nothing. in fact, things have become really bad. for my parents - they're in a financial hole right now and we ain't got NO ladders ...
i kept thinkiing every year that something would happen and i'd be given this great opportunity.
and when the year passed, i kept thinking, it's okay you're only 15 you can make it by 17. it's okay you're only 17 you can make it by 19.
i'm 19 in freaking 2 weeks and all i've managed to do is hold down a job for a year, lol.
don't get me wrong, i'm not like self-pitying myself (yes, yes i am) because whatever, there's nothing wrong. i just havne't really figured out what i want with my life. where its' headed and stuff. because this childhood (more like freakin' child-like) dream of mine keeps intervening. it wont' go away and it ends up just making me sad when i realize that i haven't accomplished much yet. i haven't really established myself as a person yet. and it's hard cuz i want to. i've always thought that i would be somebody.
either a lawyer, actress, singer, doctor, designer, author, photographer even a wedding planner.
cuz i like all those things, well, the law thing was more because i learned of how my grandfather's died and was motivated for a while to work my way up to that.
but then i didn't take any other interest in law practice so yeah...
i also didn't have any tangible guidance through my high school career y'know. my mom and dad were always busy working and had left it up to me to guide myself. i mean they fed me and signed my permission slips and forms, but everything else was up to me.
moral support you ask? more like they expected me to be the best and excel in everything. if i didn't they threatened to take away my freedom.
waht freedom you ask? that's also what i asked but even though they had nothing real to take away from me, i still followed them cuz maybe in the back of my mind hearing that i would have my freedom taken away signified this mirage of freedom that i had?
ohhh man.
i just hate not knwoing what's going to happen to me. and at the same time i feel like planning is goijng to get me nowhere. i'm in uni right now. i'm somewhere and at least i'm there. i remember when i was applying last year, in the back of my head i was telling myself that i would rather be somewhere than nowhere at all.
but now i'm getting scared cuz like ... i dont' want to be somewhere i dont want to be.
ugh, dead end.
i really hate that feeling cuz i feel so dumb, foolish and lost sometimes because of it.
i never wanted to be this way you know. i feel so far from normal sometimes it's insane and it's really weird cuz my life isn't like ... extreme and filled with action or anything.
i'm not like rich and have all these opportunities to blow my time, money and brain cells on useless shit y'know.
i'm so ... ordinary. but i hate it. thing that sets me apart from all those Rags to Riches type of people is that i've got no motivation for change. my parent's are pretty strict and when i mean strict i mean, they're so strict they dont' even seem strict. which is the worst type of strict.
like, my parents will most definitely forbid me from having guy friends and shit but they talk to me about marriage and how to choose the right person yada yada yada ...
how the hell does that even make any sense?! and then they won't let me go out at times but i sneak around that and my pretty much have to hide my parent's un-reasonable-ness from them.
okay so maybe saying that they're so strict they dont even seem strict ... cuz now that i think about it -- it doesn't make any sense LOL.
they're just really contradictory.
like HELLO, how do you even expect me to have people interested in me if you simply do not allow me male company i.e. friends??????
like, my dad thinks me and my firends chilling for two hours is an hour and a half more than we need.
who the fuck has half our heart to heart chills/conversations?
aside from like phone job interviews.
PLEASE DAD!
i'm so ... GAH! frustrated cuz i feel so stuck all the time. i'm so stuck in this rut of a life and there's nothing i can do to change it. i can't change it. i'm fucking stuck in this fuckign rut. FOREVER.
i want so depsperately to have the parents that will agree with my decisions - and i dont mean like, "mom, dad i'm going to jump of a bridge" type of decisions. i mean real-life decisions you know.
if i had it my way, i'd have taken private vocal lessons and taken music in University - as unpractical as that may seem. i've always wanted to take a stab at drama and music. but there was never any way that my mom and dad would let me do that so i nipped the bud on that dream a lond time ago. or so i thought. looks like i didn't really get rid of that entire dream, cuz it's still here, 12 years later.
i had to be practical. i had to listen to what my parent's said and every fiber of my being had to listen. i can't make decisions without having them in mind. and sometimes, their internal grip on me is so strong, all i can do is sit stupidly in my room and cry frustrated tears.
i love my parent's, but it's so hard to be here with them sometimes you know.
and like, ... i was gonna say something but now i forget ...
yeah i dunno. anywyas there was this one time where i had an interview with a talent agency. i remember being so excited - i had never been more excited for anything else in my entire life. i was 15 and i wanted it so bad, but my dad didn't want to drive me there and my mom listened to my dad. i couldn't very well go there my myself and pammies parents wouldn't let her either. we were stuck and i remember being so angry. SO angry i couldn't even move. i was so scared.
you know, even at this really young age (aroujnd 11 or so), i would imagine my life and what i wanted to have accomplished by the time i was 19. every year i thought that somethign would happen in my life to change it for the best. for everyone. but nope, nothing. in fact, things have become really bad. for my parents - they're in a financial hole right now and we ain't got NO ladders ...
i kept thinkiing every year that something would happen and i'd be given this great opportunity.
and when the year passed, i kept thinking, it's okay you're only 15 you can make it by 17. it's okay you're only 17 you can make it by 19.
i'm 19 in freaking 2 weeks and all i've managed to do is hold down a job for a year, lol.
don't get me wrong, i'm not like self-pitying myself (yes, yes i am) because whatever, there's nothing wrong. i just havne't really figured out what i want with my life. where its' headed and stuff. because this childhood (more like freakin' child-like) dream of mine keeps intervening. it wont' go away and it ends up just making me sad when i realize that i haven't accomplished much yet. i haven't really established myself as a person yet. and it's hard cuz i want to. i've always thought that i would be somebody.
either a lawyer, actress, singer, doctor, designer, author, photographer even a wedding planner.
cuz i like all those things, well, the law thing was more because i learned of how my grandfather's died and was motivated for a while to work my way up to that.
but then i didn't take any other interest in law practice so yeah...
i also didn't have any tangible guidance through my high school career y'know. my mom and dad were always busy working and had left it up to me to guide myself. i mean they fed me and signed my permission slips and forms, but everything else was up to me.
moral support you ask? more like they expected me to be the best and excel in everything. if i didn't they threatened to take away my freedom.
waht freedom you ask? that's also what i asked but even though they had nothing real to take away from me, i still followed them cuz maybe in the back of my mind hearing that i would have my freedom taken away signified this mirage of freedom that i had?
ohhh man.
i just hate not knwoing what's going to happen to me. and at the same time i feel like planning is goijng to get me nowhere. i'm in uni right now. i'm somewhere and at least i'm there. i remember when i was applying last year, in the back of my head i was telling myself that i would rather be somewhere than nowhere at all.
but now i'm getting scared cuz like ... i dont' want to be somewhere i dont want to be.
ugh, dead end.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Lonely. Oh So Lonely :( -- except, not.
There's this song by Akon called Lonely -- a total revival of an earlier song, but c'mon, legitimate artists are hard to come by this day and age right.
(8) Lonely ... I'm so lonely ...
I have nobody
For my own ...
O-Ohhhh, I'm so lonely ...
Oh so lonley ...
I have nobody to call my own ... (8)
And yeah. So PA is back in my life/back in the city!! For the time being anyways. She's got to go back in June me thinks -- cuz she's LAME and has to do summer courses. Whatever, she's a smart cookie -- maybe wasting four months here doing nothing is not all it's cracked up to be.
Anyways, I went over to her place today and we had our heart-to-heart/gossip/being-girls time. And it was deeeelightful! It feels amazing having her here! ESPESH cuz P and A are now, officially, MIA from my life for the rest of the month. P's in Pinas and A's going under the knife tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, she's been through so much and never really complains about it.
Well, okay, obvi there are times when we're both, "wtf" about the whole sitch, but there's nothing she ever wishes on anyone that she would feel really bad for. Cuz she's a good girly.
P's in the motherland and I'm tres JEAL! I'm also the one who was realllly, extremely excited for her mind you lol. I mean, even when I got the txt from her saying that she had landed and that it was humid there -- it was SURREAL! I kept thinking, omga, she's on the other side of the FREAKING WORLD!
ANYwhoozles, today was catch-up-on-8-months-of-news with PA. We talked about the O situation and how she has turned into a downright psychopath lol. Some weird force has taken over her body and she is now acting like everything she has ever stood against back in high school. Not taking "love" seriously and treating it with such disregard, and talking major shit behind her supposed best friend's back. Why I Oughtta! We talked about how we wanted relationships and to have that special someone in our lives. Hopefully our prince charming's can focus their eyes on the road to getting to us a little better cuz it's taken a good 18 years now and I'm getting a tad antsy, you hear me?
You know, I figure no matter how "lonely" I am, I'm always going to have my friends and family with me and I spend basically all my time with them anyway so it'll be hard to have time for anyone else?
(Totally say things like that to myself, so as to ease the pain that is my lame lonliness LOL).
*Woa, I just scratched my eye and had a mini-daydream where I saw the face of my dreamboy. OMGA he was beatiful!*
There's also the matter of Anj. What a little jerk eh, telling G and J -- the two girls I really cannot grow to enjoy the company of (seeing as they are both former best friends of mine! *woa*), that him and I did the deed. Puh-fucking-lease Anj, you know that I wouldn't do it and even IF it came close last time, that means jack shit at the momento. Asswipe. So full of it.
Why does he keep acting like such a jerk, I mean, I'm supposed to be his friend. He told me that things between me and him and other girls and him is that him and I have this history. We were friends in the 4th grade you know. He's treating me like shit; like I'm one of his friggin broads and HECK no I'm not. I didn't even like him before, when I was back in high school eh. I really was convinced that he was gross and that he was nothign to me. And hey, it was true. But then this year came and all his friends are gone so I supose he talks to us -- basically A and he tells her stuff that is obviously going to come back to me.
It's like what PA said, "maybe he wants you to be angry at him?"
Thing is, we never see each other anyway, why woud he want me to be angry with him?
(8) Lonely ... I'm so lonely ...
I have nobody
For my own ...
O-Ohhhh, I'm so lonely ...
Oh so lonley ...
I have nobody to call my own ... (8)
And yeah. So PA is back in my life/back in the city!! For the time being anyways. She's got to go back in June me thinks -- cuz she's LAME and has to do summer courses. Whatever, she's a smart cookie -- maybe wasting four months here doing nothing is not all it's cracked up to be.
Anyways, I went over to her place today and we had our heart-to-heart/gossip/being-girls time. And it was deeeelightful! It feels amazing having her here! ESPESH cuz P and A are now, officially, MIA from my life for the rest of the month. P's in Pinas and A's going under the knife tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, she's been through so much and never really complains about it.
Well, okay, obvi there are times when we're both, "wtf" about the whole sitch, but there's nothing she ever wishes on anyone that she would feel really bad for. Cuz she's a good girly.
P's in the motherland and I'm tres JEAL! I'm also the one who was realllly, extremely excited for her mind you lol. I mean, even when I got the txt from her saying that she had landed and that it was humid there -- it was SURREAL! I kept thinking, omga, she's on the other side of the FREAKING WORLD!
ANYwhoozles, today was catch-up-on-8-months-of-news with PA. We talked about the O situation and how she has turned into a downright psychopath lol. Some weird force has taken over her body and she is now acting like everything she has ever stood against back in high school. Not taking "love" seriously and treating it with such disregard, and talking major shit behind her supposed best friend's back. Why I Oughtta! We talked about how we wanted relationships and to have that special someone in our lives. Hopefully our prince charming's can focus their eyes on the road to getting to us a little better cuz it's taken a good 18 years now and I'm getting a tad antsy, you hear me?
You know, I figure no matter how "lonely" I am, I'm always going to have my friends and family with me and I spend basically all my time with them anyway so it'll be hard to have time for anyone else?
(Totally say things like that to myself, so as to ease the pain that is my lame lonliness LOL).
*Woa, I just scratched my eye and had a mini-daydream where I saw the face of my dreamboy. OMGA he was beatiful!*
There's also the matter of Anj. What a little jerk eh, telling G and J -- the two girls I really cannot grow to enjoy the company of (seeing as they are both former best friends of mine! *woa*), that him and I did the deed. Puh-fucking-lease Anj, you know that I wouldn't do it and even IF it came close last time, that means jack shit at the momento. Asswipe. So full of it.
Why does he keep acting like such a jerk, I mean, I'm supposed to be his friend. He told me that things between me and him and other girls and him is that him and I have this history. We were friends in the 4th grade you know. He's treating me like shit; like I'm one of his friggin broads and HECK no I'm not. I didn't even like him before, when I was back in high school eh. I really was convinced that he was gross and that he was nothign to me. And hey, it was true. But then this year came and all his friends are gone so I supose he talks to us -- basically A and he tells her stuff that is obviously going to come back to me.
It's like what PA said, "maybe he wants you to be angry at him?"
Thing is, we never see each other anyway, why woud he want me to be angry with him?
