a little of this a little of that...

will we really become like our parents when we get older? i mean the way they act around us while we grow up, well are those actions rubbing off on us without our notice? i have no idea but i hope not. but now that i think of it, its true. i'm becoming more and more like both my mother and father eveyrday and at times i like to blame them for being the way i am. but also for pushing me too hard. i mean theres so much expected of me and no encouragement. they just say, i'll die if you don't do this or that. like WTF?!?! what kind of motivation is that? how is that helping me make better choices or feel like i should be doing the very best i can. more like i feel threatened and yeah, i should do better so i don't get my ass fully whopped. sigh all the wayyyy to town...

this week...

this week was a short week. there was a jewwish holiday which naturally just means - no school.
this week i didn't overthink everything as much as i usually do. this week i got shafted thrice by two guys who i don't like. ironic huh? this week i tired myself out for no reason what-so-ever. this week i lied. lied to myself. lied about how i really feel. this week, i wanted to change but i couldn't. its really not so easy. not as easy as it may seem.

=D

okay, sooo obsessing over the all american rejects. i mean man do i love them. i woke up today not really thinking about what the day would bring. no expectations, no worries. and it was the best thing i did. just put everything out of mind. last week i overlooked EVERYTHING and it was insannely stupid to do cuz i think it brought my stress level through the roof. then today they went down considerably. maybe because i started off my day with the HUGEST UP HUGE headache and choir sucked ass. ok maybe it wasn't so bad but i forgot about everything, all my problems and what not for the day. and i love it. so the next couple days is rosh hashana and i'm not going to school. whats the point right - no one'll be there. commencement is coming up and i think FHCI Idol is also. but i don't know if i wanna do it. i might be too scared...:S:S

i hate myself today. i'm feeling down. the ironic thing is that today was a better day than usual.

pointless.

omg i have to stay focused and i tried to decide on this the other day. i tried to get into the habit of you know, starting on homework sooner and not being so additcted to the computer but hey it hasn't worked for me yet.
i painted my nails a dark red today. and it was fun. i'm starting to like smell of nailpolish fumes very very much. haha. ohhh me ohhh myyyy..// - thats the nailpolish talking...

dear you;

i hate you so much. i hate the way you smile and i hate it when i hear your voice. i hate it when i see you walking in the hall with your oversized backpack with the little green waterbottle attached to one of the zippers lol. i hate how we got close at the end of the year and you added me on msn and you talked to me and said all those unbelieveably sweet things. the way you said the things you said led me to believe that you could possibly think of me in a differnt way. then you stopped speaking to me? wtf. i hate you. i hate everything about you from your smarts to the fact that you have "krusty the clown" hair. and i hate your smile. the fact that you're such a damn charmer. i hate you for that. but in the great wrods of "10 things i hate about you";
i hate the way i don't hate you, not even a little bit, not even at all.

so true

Mia: Don`t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it`s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don`t know. That`s a good question.
Mia: That`s when you know you`ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

is it a joke?

does he still really like me after not seeing me for like 3 years or is he just saying all this like i'm not sure....oh man...?

what a turn around

ok wow. today was quite interesting. it started as a pretty good day right..movie day in bio. apparently, every friday is going to be a movie day. mr jamal's pretty fawking awesome yo lol no i don't really talk like that. and then second period wasn;t too shabby...mostly cuz it passed pretty quick.
but then third period took me by surprise. why'd cohen come up to me and start talking to me about singing for the band? i mean i thought i was forgotten, so there i was just yesterday feeling all low and unsure about myself remember..and then this happens. so now i don't know what to think. should i be happy or what? i mean why the hell am i always confused when something good happens to me. lol maybe because it doesn't happen as often as i'd normally like to get used to.

crawling in my skin [8]

crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing what is real there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming/confusing this lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling I can't seem to find myself again my walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before so insecure crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing what is real discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me distracting/reacting against my will I stand beside my own reflection it's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself again my walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way beforeso insecurecrawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fall confusing what is real crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing confusing what is real there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming/confusing what is real this lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling confusing what is real

this week;

september 10; I SAW ORLANDO BLOOM TODAY! can you believe it? this was something i knew i wanted to dosome time in my life but never ever in my life didi expect that i would bee seeing him anytime soon. not to mention the time in my life where i thought everything could go wrong. well anyways. my schedule was switched around so now i have interesting classes with PEOPLE in them. i'm not alone. yay!!. lol. BUTTTTT... i now have vocals with zale in it. can you actually believe this? I HATE THIS. i can't believe that this happened i mean i won't even talk to the guy anymore because he soo started it first!..and now i have to have a class with him? well yeah i know that i'm stupid and young in the way that i'm dealing with all of this but..yeah. too bad so sad right.

today was...

today was interesting. it was the first official day of school so we had full rotation and everything. ewww i have the worst classes. i have no on in any of my classes to just enjoy my timw with and its killing me this very day. ew. to make matters worse i also saw zale a couple times today. is it such a crime that i feel like throwing an anvil on him everytime i see him? i hope not cause a lot of conflict about that is going on in my head right now.
everyones changed at school. i mean no one seems to be the same as they used to be last year. my vocal class isn't the same either. there aren't that many people in the class.
i don't know what to say except i'm scared. i'm scared because this year reallly reallly counts. and from now on i have to know what i want and how i want to get it. i hate this. i hate that highschool is complicating my life. oh god help me.