how was your day?

my day was pretty okay.
i was good up until lunch actually.
becuase during lunch with the girls, i saw Wilson.
of all people.

and then i downloaded david's version of imagine to my iPod and have been listening to it ever since.
and shed a couple tears

he sang,
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one ..."

and to tell you the truth, na taonan ako.
becuase i've been so selfish. i mean there's so much going on in the world that i'm ignorant too - that the world is ignorant to you know.
there are more important things than my own, personal, happniess.
and i know that it just sounds like i'm sel pitying, but i'm not, i assure you.
i'm just taking in the fact that the world is bigger than me.

and i wnat to help make change, i do.

but i dont know how. i don't even know how to make change in my own life you know. there are so many things i want to change. like bad habits and taking my life for granted. but the effect isnt' even so great.
i want to make a difference in someone else's life.
... but ... is it so bad if i want to make a change in my life as well?

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

i'm a dreamer. and i'm not the only one. i dream of so many things.
i used to make up so many stories when i was younger.
i love to write. i love writing. i love making stories, writing poetry.
but i haven't had motivation t do it. i haent' had any experiences tha thave just made me want to sing anymore either.

and i used to contemplate the world around me you know.
used to wonder things and i dared to dream.

the one thing that has been bothering me lately i guess is that i havne't seemed to find anyone.
anyone who looks at me like i'm special.
and it's stupid becuase you know what, i'm so privileged. i have family and friends who support me and love me.

but i havne't found a special someone yet.
i'm scared. becauese what if i've met him already. and he met someone else?
what if ...

honestly, i'm one of those pathetic girls who dreams about love all her life and then ends up just being sad and grey.
you know the type? the one who's resentful of everyone alive. the one who doent' want to love becuase no one ever put the time and effort to love her back?

and what's even worse is the feeling. the feelng you get when you really, really like someone. you want to mean something special to them too but ... you don't. and it hurts and it burns.

but those girls that say it'll come -- how do they even know.

one of things i learn in school is that when someone comes to you with their problems, you should never assume that you knwo how they feel.
it's so hard though. whenever i tried to console my friends and loved ones of their hardships, i always said, "i know, i know ... but you're strong and can get through this ..."
how did i know?

i just want someone to sit with me and tell me that i'm right to feel alone. i dont' want to be re-assured that someone's coming for me. becuase honestly, what if there isn't?
... then what do i do? after having notions of being rescued planted into my head?
i do nothing.
like i'm doing now.
listening to the song Imagine by John Lennon and just sitting.
with my face damp.

because ... even as i read this, i realize how selfish i'm being. i'm a hypocrite.
and i look back on my journal entries.
dating back to the sixth grade.
and i realize ...

all i've ever watned was to love and be loved in return.
ever since i was a little girl.
like, i mean, that's eight years.
how could this happen to me that i'm so pathetic i spend all my life fantasizing about being loved.

and then i think about the people in the world who have lost loved ones. and i think to myself, well on the bright side, i won't have to go through that ....
and then i slap myself becuase it's excruciating.

when my grandma passed away, my mom was devastated. i've never seen her break down teh way she did. she was a million and one different pieced and to this day she isn't the same.
and then i think of my grandfather, on my dad's side. he lost his dad when he was eight or nine.
he was just a little boy, my dad.
and he started working then and he sacrificed so much. my mom sacrificed her own education to bring my aunts to the country. and how do they repay her?
they lie to her and deceive her. they destroy her with this display of greed.
and then they dont say sorry.
and my mom loves them so much still. i know that if anything were to happen to them she'd just about die.

the things that love makes you go through. the pain and suffering.

why is love so powerful? why does everyone want it so bad? why is it the best thing that can happen to you?

why does it exist anyways. everyone is so tuned into trying to keep this part of their lives happy and other's do everything in their power to exploit their loved ones.

and then i think to myeslf. i want someone who isn't obligated to love me, to love me like that.

disney caters

to false hopes.



we watched this film in (coincidentally) two of my classes.

one was for my social work class. the other was for my social science class.

it was a film that revealed a lot of Disney's intricate little secrets hidden in their films.

the stereotyping that exists.

the prejudice.

the racism.

the lies.



i think that the last part got to me the most. i know that prejudice and racism exist everywhere so it honestly wasn't that shocking to hear that, yet again, it existed in TV and movies.



but the lies. and the deciet. for young girls to think tha tone day they'll have a prince charming that will come to their rescue and sweep them off their feet.



i realized that i was personally victimized by this.



and it's not laughing matter -- OKAY.



(lol, yeah ... i'm bloggingabout this ...)



i want a prince charming. i want the happily ever after.

how rude of fairy tales to set up a young girl for disappointment like that. without even saying sorry.



geez man.

tell me more.

uhm.


la la la.


i have nothing and everything to report but i don't know if i have the energy to say everything.


i went online b/c there's so much i want to say and mention but i dont know what to talk about ... first anyways.





i guess i'll make a list and we'll take it from there.





- my trip to montreal


- i want someone i can't have (what else is new)


- i am chasing a notion that seems to get further and further away from me


- i am becoming desperado


- i lied to Ang for fun: LOL


- sick habits


- daydreams about my ex-boyfriend ...


- i think N wants Wilson - and i've always thought that Wilson liked her SO HA! i was right ... =(





Montreal


i went to montreal for two nights during my reading week. it was a lot of fun - such a little adventure with my girls A and N.


we stayed at this hostel and met a lot of really cool and interesting people. there were a lot of new experiences there, like buying booze legally -- Bwahah. it was amazing. i wasn't even carded and i gave my ID anyways ... just cuz.


okay sot hat's boring news, but i wanted to get that out there haha.





Can't Have


so there's this guy, J, and i kinda want him. lol. it's so unfair though. he has a gf and i'm glad that he's got someone ... - no that's a complete lie. i'm nto happy at all. i am tres tres jealous of this girl. i mean i knew him before she did. i knew him when i was a lot younger. we went to the same church and while i never looked at him that way before he called me a couple weeks ago at like 330 in the morning (see, we got in touch b/c of Facebook but never really tlaked to each other. he added me on facebook but then ntohing really happened cuz he was kind of a bore. and then one day he talks to me on msn and it's good, it's chilled. and then he asks if he could call me cuz he was going out for a smoke. he's all, "do you wanna come with me" and i'm like, "yeah, that'll work" and he's like what's your cell number, i'll call you..." and then i gave him my number and we talked for like half an hour or an hour ... anyways), it's still unfair how whenever i want someone, they're spoken for.


that, or, i'm just never the one that can "speak" for anyone.


it's just so mean.


which leads me into the next line of business.





Chasing Notions


is a real-life pain in the ass. it's like, i have this idea that just won't die. this hope that just dont' QUIT. and i want it to. as in, i desperately dont' want to be hung up on thinking that things with me and wilson will ever happen b/c i know that they won't. i know this. it's in my head -- all of this. i keep wondering why he didn't make a move. why he didn't say anythnign to me ever. why we stopped talking. i mean i know why but it's still different when it actualyl happens. and i'm convinced that i'm slowly losing it. like, i'm losing it bad. BAD. and i think the worst part of it all is that i always had this idea in my head that my friend N wanted him. always. but that she was never willing to tell anyone aboiut it. mind you, she sometimes acts like all these people want her becuase of little things that they might do. and sometimes i'm afraid to tell her that some of the things she tells me about is all seeming inadvertant acts of kindness ... but i dont have the heart to tell her.

plus she wants the guy i had the hugest crush on.

i hate Wilson. I hope that he is never ever happy. EVER.



haha you know what's funny? when people say that they want the one that they love to be happy -- as if thats what they're thinking. LIES! no way jose. i never wanted wilson to be happy with someone else lol. i'm going to be completely honest and up front about that. i was mad at him. cuz he was giving me mixed signals and being so confused over things that just are NOT confusing.



i think i'm chasing the notion of what he represents to me. a good guy. someone safe that i would not be afraid of getting into a relationship with becuase i know that he wouldn't rush things. becuase i know that he is just as (actually ... more SO) confused as i am.



ugh.



I am becoming Desperado

self-explanatory.

well, not really.

but i've been finding lately that i look at guys and find myeslf envisioning how i would look with them.

as a couple.

HAHA.

wow. that sounded even more retarded when on paper.

Lies, Lies, they are Fun

I lied to A the other day and tol dhim i was back together with my ex. HAHAHAH.
dont' ask me why, i actually don't really know.
it's definitely not a legitamite reason at all.
i think i did just to get a rise out of him and i was bored.
so bored.
of the fact that no interesting occurances were making an appearance in my life.
i think once you ahve the drama in your life, it's kind of hard to go back to everyday repetitive tasks.
it's so much more fun to go out and DO things.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
liek lying to peopel somteimes it's so much lying as it is telling tall tales of fictional fantasy.

i like to daydream. and sometimes, they feel so real.

Sick Habits
they're sick.
they're habits.
they're not good.

should. stop.

...

tomorrow.

i may be a bad person

i think that i may be a bad person.

well, a bad friend.

i'm very neglective.



i'm thinking it's because i have my safe zones. and ver secretive. i always have something to hide, which isn't good, but there it is ya know.

i have my safe friends who understand that i can't be the person i want to be in front of my parents.

then theres the fact that my friends don't ALL get along. basically the two really important groups of people in my life. i can't seem to find a happy balance becuase i don't know what that balance entails.

P isn't a fan of my friends. i know it. i can sense it. A and P get a long but not all the time you know wha ti mean. they're not each other's favourite people. but they are my favourite people. And i dont know what to do to bring them together,. i've tried and sorta kinda failed.

basically, i foudn that P really likes her friends. her set friends. in her world, there is no one else. no one else can really enter and get to know her. i knew her, and i knwo that i should tell her how i feel and that i'm sorry but that's the thing i think that she isn't going to listen to me.

i know her. when she's angry she's angry, when she's happy she's happy and when she doesn't care -- she doenz't care. and i really honestly think that i fall under the her not caring category.

maybe it's becuase she's voiced her opinions to me before and i just never really acted on my word.

so it's my fault.

i'm a terrible friend i get it.

i mean i know that i tried to talk to her becyase honestly, my friendship with her in my mind is for life.

i'm fortunate enough to have the same school sched etc with A, not so lucky with P. we're different people but the same.

i love her and i'm scared.



i'm writing this because i'm scared that the friendship is going to end and she's not going to tell me becuase she thinks i don't care adn that i'm not committed to keep this relationship going. I AM; i don't know what to physically do. it's like she wants me to be psychic.



a couple days ago, well a week ago -- i spoke to her on msn and she was really just one-worded with me (again). i knew this but went ahead and spoke to her anyways becuase i refuse to believe that she hates me ...

anyways she basically told me that i'm always busy and it's true and the days that she has off i have school or volunteering ... but i felt like it was MY fault ...



i don't want to lose her as a friend but i dont know what to do because when you're out of her circle, you're out. there really ain't no getting back in cuz that's the kind of person she IS.



i wish there was more empathy or sympathy or understanding because there's just so little of it right now.

and it's upsetting.



i hate that it got to this, i hate that i'm a bad person

(8) if you hear what i have to say ...

Sooo I'm just not feeling too good about things right now. There seems the need for a constant imbalance in my life you know. It's stupid becuase I know it's just me too ... I have this thing where I feel like those that I surround myself with really affect my mood. Specifically my friends. If they're all happy and good - I'm basically happy and good. But there's always that one friend that's not happy. And, that's just not good. You know what I mean? My friends range and they're basically all-sorts. But here's the thing, I love them unconditionally. Take me for instance, I know I have faults. There's the opbvious physical ones, but then there's also me being really Flakey and bailing on my friends sometimes. There's the fact that I'm basically inconsistent and I go AWOL without notice (to my friends. If i went AWOL on my parent's they'd shoot me). To get out of things, I will most likely make up an excuse -- and this happened for most of high school cuz I was just basically never allowed to go anywhere and it was getting lame after a while. So, those are some of my faults. My friends: they're oversensitive, bitchy, short-tempered, mean, dry, mean to each other, liars, players ... but I still love them! LOL. I want them to just be cool. And one my biggest problems is that my friends dont' really get along with each other. I mean, I've made frineds with lots of people and in turn gotten close with them. I don't want to lose them. But it just means I have to spread myself really thin. This one friend of mine in particular, I love her in particular andddd I know that we've been lacking in seeing each other but it's been hard. I mean, she's busy and so am I and it's not like she's making an effort to talk to me either, but I'm sometimes lef to beleive that she's mad at me y'know. Which just makes me feel stupid for wanting to be still be her friend. Ugh. eff this, I wanna sleep...

Which Beatles Song Are You?

So, I never really, ever do quizzes like these, but I did this one ...

Yesterday
You have a tendency to focus on the past: past mistakes, past happiness, past love. Everything seems easier and simpler in retrospect. You are quite sentimental and you have a good heart. As your life progresses, a lot of things you once valued will become unimportant to you, and some of the things you did not care about before will become extremely valuable to you. Maturity will sharpen your perspective, but those happy, simple times of coloring and tag will always remain in your memory. And waiting just ahead of you are even more wonderful memories to be made

Why is it eerily true?

*whimper*

for the dreams i wish i could forget ... pt2

AND it happened ... again. At about 10 this morning I would say, I had this dream. ANd this time it was of Wilson. Randomly.
I mean what the ..? LOL.
I dont get myself sometimes.

So ... in the dream. We were at some house with a whole bunch of ppl including Kuya Angelo and like my family. And ppl from degrassi ... and other random ppl. Like Olivia Huong. It was like a Frat? I dont know .. i'm starting to forget!!!

The main thing that happened was that I was basically flirting with some other guy, I think maybe Cracky and then Wilson came up from behind me and I KISSED HIM like casually on the cheek and he hugged me and then I let go of Cracky cuz like, ew, it's Cracky. And then we both just left that little corner. And he went off. And I left too. And that was that.

The rest of the dream was like, ppl were there and we were in Australia LOL ... what the fuck -seriously???? It was COMPLETELY random!