tell me more.

uhm.


la la la.


i have nothing and everything to report but i don't know if i have the energy to say everything.


i went online b/c there's so much i want to say and mention but i dont know what to talk about ... first anyways.





i guess i'll make a list and we'll take it from there.





- my trip to montreal


- i want someone i can't have (what else is new)


- i am chasing a notion that seems to get further and further away from me


- i am becoming desperado


- i lied to Ang for fun: LOL


- sick habits


- daydreams about my ex-boyfriend ...


- i think N wants Wilson - and i've always thought that Wilson liked her SO HA! i was right ... =(





Montreal


i went to montreal for two nights during my reading week. it was a lot of fun - such a little adventure with my girls A and N.


we stayed at this hostel and met a lot of really cool and interesting people. there were a lot of new experiences there, like buying booze legally -- Bwahah. it was amazing. i wasn't even carded and i gave my ID anyways ... just cuz.


okay sot hat's boring news, but i wanted to get that out there haha.





Can't Have


so there's this guy, J, and i kinda want him. lol. it's so unfair though. he has a gf and i'm glad that he's got someone ... - no that's a complete lie. i'm nto happy at all. i am tres tres jealous of this girl. i mean i knew him before she did. i knew him when i was a lot younger. we went to the same church and while i never looked at him that way before he called me a couple weeks ago at like 330 in the morning (see, we got in touch b/c of Facebook but never really tlaked to each other. he added me on facebook but then ntohing really happened cuz he was kind of a bore. and then one day he talks to me on msn and it's good, it's chilled. and then he asks if he could call me cuz he was going out for a smoke. he's all, "do you wanna come with me" and i'm like, "yeah, that'll work" and he's like what's your cell number, i'll call you..." and then i gave him my number and we talked for like half an hour or an hour ... anyways), it's still unfair how whenever i want someone, they're spoken for.


that, or, i'm just never the one that can "speak" for anyone.


it's just so mean.


which leads me into the next line of business.





Chasing Notions


is a real-life pain in the ass. it's like, i have this idea that just won't die. this hope that just dont' QUIT. and i want it to. as in, i desperately dont' want to be hung up on thinking that things with me and wilson will ever happen b/c i know that they won't. i know this. it's in my head -- all of this. i keep wondering why he didn't make a move. why he didn't say anythnign to me ever. why we stopped talking. i mean i know why but it's still different when it actualyl happens. and i'm convinced that i'm slowly losing it. like, i'm losing it bad. BAD. and i think the worst part of it all is that i always had this idea in my head that my friend N wanted him. always. but that she was never willing to tell anyone aboiut it. mind you, she sometimes acts like all these people want her becuase of little things that they might do. and sometimes i'm afraid to tell her that some of the things she tells me about is all seeming inadvertant acts of kindness ... but i dont have the heart to tell her.

plus she wants the guy i had the hugest crush on.

i hate Wilson. I hope that he is never ever happy. EVER.



haha you know what's funny? when people say that they want the one that they love to be happy -- as if thats what they're thinking. LIES! no way jose. i never wanted wilson to be happy with someone else lol. i'm going to be completely honest and up front about that. i was mad at him. cuz he was giving me mixed signals and being so confused over things that just are NOT confusing.



i think i'm chasing the notion of what he represents to me. a good guy. someone safe that i would not be afraid of getting into a relationship with becuase i know that he wouldn't rush things. becuase i know that he is just as (actually ... more SO) confused as i am.



ugh.



I am becoming Desperado

self-explanatory.

well, not really.

but i've been finding lately that i look at guys and find myeslf envisioning how i would look with them.

as a couple.

HAHA.

wow. that sounded even more retarded when on paper.

Lies, Lies, they are Fun

I lied to A the other day and tol dhim i was back together with my ex. HAHAHAH.
dont' ask me why, i actually don't really know.
it's definitely not a legitamite reason at all.
i think i did just to get a rise out of him and i was bored.
so bored.
of the fact that no interesting occurances were making an appearance in my life.
i think once you ahve the drama in your life, it's kind of hard to go back to everyday repetitive tasks.
it's so much more fun to go out and DO things.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
liek lying to peopel somteimes it's so much lying as it is telling tall tales of fictional fantasy.

i like to daydream. and sometimes, they feel so real.

Sick Habits
they're sick.
they're habits.
they're not good.

should. stop.

...

tomorrow.