i may be a bad person

i think that i may be a bad person.

well, a bad friend.

i'm very neglective.



i'm thinking it's because i have my safe zones. and ver secretive. i always have something to hide, which isn't good, but there it is ya know.

i have my safe friends who understand that i can't be the person i want to be in front of my parents.

then theres the fact that my friends don't ALL get along. basically the two really important groups of people in my life. i can't seem to find a happy balance becuase i don't know what that balance entails.

P isn't a fan of my friends. i know it. i can sense it. A and P get a long but not all the time you know wha ti mean. they're not each other's favourite people. but they are my favourite people. And i dont know what to do to bring them together,. i've tried and sorta kinda failed.

basically, i foudn that P really likes her friends. her set friends. in her world, there is no one else. no one else can really enter and get to know her. i knew her, and i knwo that i should tell her how i feel and that i'm sorry but that's the thing i think that she isn't going to listen to me.

i know her. when she's angry she's angry, when she's happy she's happy and when she doesn't care -- she doenz't care. and i really honestly think that i fall under the her not caring category.

maybe it's becuase she's voiced her opinions to me before and i just never really acted on my word.

so it's my fault.

i'm a terrible friend i get it.

i mean i know that i tried to talk to her becyase honestly, my friendship with her in my mind is for life.

i'm fortunate enough to have the same school sched etc with A, not so lucky with P. we're different people but the same.

i love her and i'm scared.



i'm writing this because i'm scared that the friendship is going to end and she's not going to tell me becuase she thinks i don't care adn that i'm not committed to keep this relationship going. I AM; i don't know what to physically do. it's like she wants me to be psychic.



a couple days ago, well a week ago -- i spoke to her on msn and she was really just one-worded with me (again). i knew this but went ahead and spoke to her anyways becuase i refuse to believe that she hates me ...

anyways she basically told me that i'm always busy and it's true and the days that she has off i have school or volunteering ... but i felt like it was MY fault ...



i don't want to lose her as a friend but i dont know what to do because when you're out of her circle, you're out. there really ain't no getting back in cuz that's the kind of person she IS.



i wish there was more empathy or sympathy or understanding because there's just so little of it right now.

and it's upsetting.



i hate that it got to this, i hate that i'm a bad person