how was your day?

my day was pretty okay.
i was good up until lunch actually.
becuase during lunch with the girls, i saw Wilson.
of all people.

and then i downloaded david's version of imagine to my iPod and have been listening to it ever since.
and shed a couple tears

he sang,
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one ..."

and to tell you the truth, na taonan ako.
becuase i've been so selfish. i mean there's so much going on in the world that i'm ignorant too - that the world is ignorant to you know.
there are more important things than my own, personal, happniess.
and i know that it just sounds like i'm sel pitying, but i'm not, i assure you.
i'm just taking in the fact that the world is bigger than me.

and i wnat to help make change, i do.

but i dont know how. i don't even know how to make change in my own life you know. there are so many things i want to change. like bad habits and taking my life for granted. but the effect isnt' even so great.
i want to make a difference in someone else's life.
... but ... is it so bad if i want to make a change in my life as well?

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

i'm a dreamer. and i'm not the only one. i dream of so many things.
i used to make up so many stories when i was younger.
i love to write. i love writing. i love making stories, writing poetry.
but i haven't had motivation t do it. i haent' had any experiences tha thave just made me want to sing anymore either.

and i used to contemplate the world around me you know.
used to wonder things and i dared to dream.

the one thing that has been bothering me lately i guess is that i havne't seemed to find anyone.
anyone who looks at me like i'm special.
and it's stupid becuase you know what, i'm so privileged. i have family and friends who support me and love me.

but i havne't found a special someone yet.
i'm scared. becauese what if i've met him already. and he met someone else?
what if ...

honestly, i'm one of those pathetic girls who dreams about love all her life and then ends up just being sad and grey.
you know the type? the one who's resentful of everyone alive. the one who doent' want to love becuase no one ever put the time and effort to love her back?

and what's even worse is the feeling. the feelng you get when you really, really like someone. you want to mean something special to them too but ... you don't. and it hurts and it burns.

but those girls that say it'll come -- how do they even know.

one of things i learn in school is that when someone comes to you with their problems, you should never assume that you knwo how they feel.
it's so hard though. whenever i tried to console my friends and loved ones of their hardships, i always said, "i know, i know ... but you're strong and can get through this ..."
how did i know?

i just want someone to sit with me and tell me that i'm right to feel alone. i dont' want to be re-assured that someone's coming for me. becuase honestly, what if there isn't?
... then what do i do? after having notions of being rescued planted into my head?
i do nothing.
like i'm doing now.
listening to the song Imagine by John Lennon and just sitting.
with my face damp.

because ... even as i read this, i realize how selfish i'm being. i'm a hypocrite.
and i look back on my journal entries.
dating back to the sixth grade.
and i realize ...

all i've ever watned was to love and be loved in return.
ever since i was a little girl.
like, i mean, that's eight years.
how could this happen to me that i'm so pathetic i spend all my life fantasizing about being loved.

and then i think about the people in the world who have lost loved ones. and i think to myself, well on the bright side, i won't have to go through that ....
and then i slap myself becuase it's excruciating.

when my grandma passed away, my mom was devastated. i've never seen her break down teh way she did. she was a million and one different pieced and to this day she isn't the same.
and then i think of my grandfather, on my dad's side. he lost his dad when he was eight or nine.
he was just a little boy, my dad.
and he started working then and he sacrificed so much. my mom sacrificed her own education to bring my aunts to the country. and how do they repay her?
they lie to her and deceive her. they destroy her with this display of greed.
and then they dont say sorry.
and my mom loves them so much still. i know that if anything were to happen to them she'd just about die.

the things that love makes you go through. the pain and suffering.

why is love so powerful? why does everyone want it so bad? why is it the best thing that can happen to you?

why does it exist anyways. everyone is so tuned into trying to keep this part of their lives happy and other's do everything in their power to exploit their loved ones.

and then i think to myeslf. i want someone who isn't obligated to love me, to love me like that.