ramblings

ever feel like you have no idea where your life is headed?
i really hate that feeling cuz i feel so dumb, foolish and lost sometimes because of it.
i never wanted to be this way you know. i feel so far from normal sometimes it's insane and it's really weird cuz my life isn't like ... extreme and filled with action or anything.
i'm not like rich and have all these opportunities to blow my time, money and brain cells on useless shit y'know.
i'm so ... ordinary. but i hate it. thing that sets me apart from all those Rags to Riches type of people is that i've got no motivation for change. my parent's are pretty strict and when i mean strict i mean, they're so strict they dont' even seem strict. which is the worst type of strict.
like, my parents will most definitely forbid me from having guy friends and shit but they talk to me about marriage and how to choose the right person yada yada yada ...
how the hell does that even make any sense?! and then they won't let me go out at times but i sneak around that and my pretty much have to hide my parent's un-reasonable-ness from them.
okay so maybe saying that they're so strict they dont even seem strict ... cuz now that i think about it -- it doesn't make any sense LOL.
they're just really contradictory.
like HELLO, how do you even expect me to have people interested in me if you simply do not allow me male company i.e. friends??????
like, my dad thinks me and my firends chilling for two hours is an hour and a half more than we need.

who the fuck has half our heart to heart chills/conversations?

aside from like phone job interviews.

PLEASE DAD!

i'm so ... GAH! frustrated cuz i feel so stuck all the time. i'm so stuck in this rut of a life and there's nothing i can do to change it. i can't change it. i'm fucking stuck in this fuckign rut. FOREVER.

i want so depsperately to have the parents that will agree with my decisions - and i dont mean like, "mom, dad i'm going to jump of a bridge" type of decisions. i mean real-life decisions you know.
if i had it my way, i'd have taken private vocal lessons and taken music in University - as unpractical as that may seem. i've always wanted to take a stab at drama and music. but there was never any way that my mom and dad would let me do that so i nipped the bud on that dream a lond time ago. or so i thought. looks like i didn't really get rid of that entire dream, cuz it's still here, 12 years later.

i had to be practical. i had to listen to what my parent's said and every fiber of my being had to listen. i can't make decisions without having them in mind. and sometimes, their internal grip on me is so strong, all i can do is sit stupidly in my room and cry frustrated tears.

i love my parent's, but it's so hard to be here with them sometimes you know.

and like, ... i was gonna say something but now i forget ...

yeah i dunno. anywyas there was this one time where i had an interview with a talent agency. i remember being so excited - i had never been more excited for anything else in my entire life. i was 15 and i wanted it so bad, but my dad didn't want to drive me there and my mom listened to my dad. i couldn't very well go there my myself and pammies parents wouldn't let her either. we were stuck and i remember being so angry. SO angry i couldn't even move. i was so scared.

you know, even at this really young age (aroujnd 11 or so), i would imagine my life and what i wanted to have accomplished by the time i was 19. every year i thought that somethign would happen in my life to change it for the best. for everyone. but nope, nothing. in fact, things have become really bad. for my parents - they're in a financial hole right now and we ain't got NO ladders ...
i kept thinkiing every year that something would happen and i'd be given this great opportunity.
and when the year passed, i kept thinking, it's okay you're only 15 you can make it by 17. it's okay you're only 17 you can make it by 19.

i'm 19 in freaking 2 weeks and all i've managed to do is hold down a job for a year, lol.

don't get me wrong, i'm not like self-pitying myself (yes, yes i am) because whatever, there's nothing wrong. i just havne't really figured out what i want with my life. where its' headed and stuff. because this childhood (more like freakin' child-like) dream of mine keeps intervening. it wont' go away and it ends up just making me sad when i realize that i haven't accomplished much yet. i haven't really established myself as a person yet. and it's hard cuz i want to. i've always thought that i would be somebody.
either a lawyer, actress, singer, doctor, designer, author, photographer even a wedding planner.

cuz i like all those things, well, the law thing was more because i learned of how my grandfather's died and was motivated for a while to work my way up to that.
but then i didn't take any other interest in law practice so yeah...

i also didn't have any tangible guidance through my high school career y'know. my mom and dad were always busy working and had left it up to me to guide myself. i mean they fed me and signed my permission slips and forms, but everything else was up to me.
moral support you ask? more like they expected me to be the best and excel in everything. if i didn't they threatened to take away my freedom.
waht freedom you ask? that's also what i asked but even though they had nothing real to take away from me, i still followed them cuz maybe in the back of my mind hearing that i would have my freedom taken away signified this mirage of freedom that i had?

ohhh man.

i just hate not knwoing what's going to happen to me. and at the same time i feel like planning is goijng to get me nowhere. i'm in uni right now. i'm somewhere and at least i'm there. i remember when i was applying last year, in the back of my head i was telling myself that i would rather be somewhere than nowhere at all.

but now i'm getting scared cuz like ... i dont' want to be somewhere i dont want to be.

ugh, dead end.