verbal diarrhea at 3 AM

THis is the kind of thing that happens all the time.In Fairy Tales.Tall Tales.Stuff that's not real life.A tragic story of unfairness and ho-hums and just complete unfortunate-ness.
Christmas eve was always my favourite time of the year.And somehow, certain people have managed to completely destroy all my excitement for it.Honestly - I mean, camman - WHY?
For some reason, I feel like something really important was taken away from me. Christmas eve symbolized togetherness and it was always the best time of year.This year, on Christmas eve (day), I woke up at 3 in the afternoon - went last minute shopping (yay!), was thrilled to wrap presents and get going - and then ...
Mom didn't feel so well. Dad thought it best that she didn't go anywhere with us. Obviously Lucille and I wouldn't have felt inclined to budge. We wouldn't leave her. It was bad news town whenever we showed up places without her.I figured it was because of the financial situation. I mean, it's enough to drive someone crazy. But I never counted on her being so weak. Scratch that - that's kinda harsh. Mom's not weak. But she's not the strongest anymore and I always thought her to be the strongest woman out there. I reckoned that she was and would always be a fighter. I've heard her stories more than I can count of how she came to Canada. Mind you, there are so many stories ... of other people who have gone through what she has - and so much worse ...
You know what I think it is that bothers me so much. It's her lack of compassion. Well, not really compassion ...Let me word this ...Sometimes when I hear her talk, it seems almost as if she thinks she's the only person who has gone through what she has. Like she's the only person who has endured hardships and ridicule and suffering. There are tons of people who have endured far worse - exploitation and torture - to get to what they have (even if waht they have is little ...)
It's like she doesn't think of anyone else but herself. Maybe my sister and I and my daddy.
I think i might be the first person to be bothered by this - but, you know, I'm so incredibly weird that way.
It's insane becuase I know she's a good person. Amazing. But I want her to be more understanding of others. You know, to be the compassionate and humble mother - the one that's strong for her kids no matter what.
It's as if she's just given up. She can't fight anymore. And it makes it seem like she's weak. And I know she's not. And then in turn I'm scared to be the strong one and play the Big Sister.
... I'm afraid of taking on that responsibility.... I'm not ready for it ...... But I feel it coming ...... And I'm not ready ...
Anyways, so, I was upset about the whole not going out on Christmas eve thing.
And I cried, and cried. I went on facebook and my internet's been kinda loopy lately. Well, maybe not the internet but the browser's been kinda wacked lately.So it only loads a little bit at a time ... (and we're supposed to have like high-speed pfftt)
Anyways, ang had a christmas party with friends and it was weird. The only picture that loaded was of him and his ex.
And it was just a weird feeling that came over me. I think people call it jealousy.And I hate it.I absolutely hate feeling that way. It makes me sick. She's a nice girl. I don't like to feel like something's been taken away from me - when CLEARLY, nothing has.Because him and I are not together.And it would be for the best if nothing happened again.
That's the thing though ... and I know that when I'm drunk I think about it. I want to give me and him a try. I really do. But there are way too many things standing in the way. And this isn't like the movies or anything.

and... FUCK

i lost the rest of my post. UGH.
fuck fuck fuck.

see, not i'm pissed.